Hey peeps~ random post cos i have nothing to do now :p been staying home reading, having movie marathons these days... boring but it's my fav past time... totally bailed outta the crochet crap i started awhile ago... well i really wanna finish crocheting the scarf, but yea... we'll see... HAHA! and yes for all u peeps raising your eyebrows out thr... i know how to crochet and knit... granny thing to do, but hey! im going into fashion so what's a surprise right?

so anw on Sunday, went to pick HL up from the airport and i was late :p lil late... i know it's kinda ridiculous that the person picking someone up from the airport being late and all... but well, i took the bloody train and had to switch train 3 times cos i was riding on the circle line... and besides, it's HL... so err... he'll forgive me~ keke^^ im really glad he's taking it all well and he seems fine... treated me to pizza and we talked alot... well he was trying to get me all upset by saying that i look like a small girl girl cos i got a haircut since the last time he saw me... it's just bangs... and not that he didnt saw me in bangs before... but wateva... it kinda failed cos i couldnt be bothered bout it... nothing new... then he went on saying that i totally have a mentality of a 25 year old... RAWR!!! and he totally aint kidding bout this... he reasoned that it's cos i've got my paths all planned out and thought bout my future thoroughly and what not... and i was like arent all peeps suppose to do that? but he carried on saying that few know what they want in life so early, some don't even bother finding out at all throughout their lives... and of cos he brought up other examples of how i seem more mature... whatever it is... it got me... cos i wanted to strangle him over the table and smack that smirk off his face... HAHA but me being nice, decided i should let it go... keke^^ he accompanied me till it was time for me to leave and meet my family for movie... since it's father's day right?

i kinda combined father's day and mother's day together to make it up to my mum... watched green lantern and it was AWESOME!!! damn do i love Ryan Reynolds! HAHAHA! and Blake Lively! i've been longing to watch this since like forever! def one of my fav characters outta the marvel collection... cept for the cheesy name... lantern -_- before that day, bro told dad bout the plan of us watchin it tgt... and the next day, dad came into my room telling me we're gonna go watch a movie tgt he was like... "what's the movie's name? green something..." i was bout to interrupt him with the name but he beat me to it by saying "green torchlight ah?!?" PUAHAHA!!! it had me rolling on my bed laughing so hard that i almost hyperventilated... lesson learnt! a name's very important, think it through thoroughly to prevent jokes... keke^^ or maybe that just happens with my dad... dined and that marks the end of the week...

slacked around through mon and today, cept for evenings... dinner with the ex... but all's well... Nick emailed me asking why i hadnt gone into M'sia to visit... well parent's been very uptight bout me traveling recently... i dunno why they care bout it now yet couldnt care less bout it when i was younger... it's ridiculous... and the recent commotion bout the happening at the custom is just the cherry on top... NOT! totally makes matters worst and made my mum all paranoid bout how it isnt safe for me to go in alone... seriously mum it isnt safe anywhere cos you know what? NEWSFLASH i might fall to my death right at our doorstep~ well i know she's worried and all, but seriously i cant emphasize enuff that if something were to gonna happen to me... IT'S GONNA HAPPEN WHENEVER WHEREVER!!! so yupx im stuck in SG!!! so much for a holiday... went on emailing Nick bout what's been up lately... told him tt Logan's in sg, my ex, and that we've been hanging out... he totally harped on the issue bout how my future bf's gonna feel bout it... lolx nothing, cos there's nothing my friend... i absolutely do not know why recently people has been VERY concern bout my love life... should i even call it love life? scratch that... relationships... yea... TOO CONCERN! so much so that i think im the weird one... cos me being the protagonist *duh it's called MY LIFE for a reason* aint that concern as compared to them... luckily Nick carried on by telling me to ask L to visit them sometime... as well as to battle out with them... it's been awhile since they got together not to mention break together... i really wanna be there to watch them but nah, definitely not gonna happen anytime soon with my parents breathing down my neck bout safety issues -_- on the bright side... i feel that i've actually got normal parents right now... whoopdeedoo... wrong timing much -_-

so yupx, not much happened... without dance, life seems pathetically boring... ironically, with dance, there wun be life either... cos, if it isnt school, it's dance... lolx... oh! siqi texted me that she got hiphop head... congratulated her, but seriously, i knew she'll get it... like get real, who else? whatever it is, i just hope her passion remains and that she'll stay smart to steer away from bad influences... it would be a huge waste if an amazing dancer were to get corrupted by some commercial studio mindset...

random bout something i just rmbred like at this second... HAHA! some time back i met up with some friends... and during our conversation i said, "众里寻他千百度，蓦然回首，那人却在灯火阑珊处。" i forgot what exactly made me bring this phrase up, but i did and everyone stared at me with their eyes and mouth wide open... seriously, i dunno whether to feel happy that i managed to stun people with my chinese or to feel insulted that they actually think that my chinese suck big time... they all commented how they're taken aback and stuff but seriously it's just a line from 青玉案·元夕 what's the big wuha? people just dun get the diff with not good-at-it-hence-dun-like-it and hate-it-but-good-at-it... it just so happens that im the latter...

another example is when i tell peeps that i just spent hours reading a book and they shoot me the surprise look... i know that many feels that im bimbotic and actually im flattered by that comment, i actually do prefer spending my friday nights in starbucks reading a book rather then out having fun and risk having a bloody hangover on saturday morning... well i get offended at times, but now i've just become numb cos people who judge and comment just dun look at themselves in the mirror... like that ridiculous person in DI... HAHA! some people might noe who it is ^.~ but i dun really wanna advertise their names here... they should pay me to do so~ HAHA!!! what irks me is that i've never denied that im not, but who the @#%^&^% are they to judge?!? simply dun even hv the slightest decency to keep their mouths shut... or at least make an effort to say it BEHIND MY BACK not in my ears... and funny thing is one totally just choke on their own words by doing the exact same thing they claim bout me herself... and the other decided that i was his friend and sent me a friend request on facebook... cute or what?!? too bad i have high standards even for the people i choose to befriend on facebook... no shame!!! runs in the family genes i guess... oh!!! major thing that disgust me is when i for once wore a cropped top for prac cos i left my shirt at home and guess what?!? for the next few pracs she's wearing cropped top to dance @#%^&^%#@#%^&# stay kind V... think in the sense of a fashion trendsetter... HAHAHA!!! great sense of satisfactory cos it's an outcome of my carelessness of forgetting my shirt... even more pathetic that i didnt even try~ :p i'll applaud her for her courage to attempt but failed terrible then~ im nice... kekeke^^ irritating to the max!

oh well~ shall stop the bitching... nothing else... i should do it the devil wears prada way...

THAT'S ALL~

keke^^

xoxo

hey peeps! this is gonna be a short one! I PASS MY FOUNDATION YEAR!!! HERE I COME LEVEL1 FASHION!!! keke^^ yup i received my results ytd, yet there's no one to share this with :'( HAHA! nah~ emailed LS and HL immediately, and they replied! HL congratulated me and he's gonna treat me to lunch when i go pick him up tmrw while sunny being the mean and evil one commented "it's an of cos thingy that you'll pass-_-" and went on toking bout all the things i missed out cos i didnt join them in thailand! and attached this annoying picture to piss me off!

lolx but she said she'll get me a congratulatory gift ^^ along with the other stuff i asked her to hlp me get... kekeke^^

so who's the first person i celebrated with then? my last 2nd ex -_- it sounds really weird saying that or typin that... he's the one that Vian always refers to as a fling... IT'S REALLY NOT! it was way back, got together when he was over here for summer holidays and things ended nicely when he had to go back... i cn safely say that what we had was just merely friendship... him being a bboy is totally the cherry on top kekeke^^ so anw i invited him to come watch UNI but unfortunately he only arrives this afternoon... was totally pissed bout it and was complaining why cant he come like a week earlier... well he had some visiting to do in other country so yea... whatever... told him bout my results and he suggested he'll treat me to a homecooked dinner... was reluctant cos he just got off the plane, but he insisted... oh well... so went back to his place to put down his luggage, got his car and went grocery shopping... seriously, it's been years and he's gentlemanliness is still the same, it might have even turned for the worse... HAHA! he offered to carry all the bags and yet still insisted in opening the doors for me -_- caucasians -_- didnt resist cos i rmbred the time we fought over something as stupid as me opening the car door on my side- to let myself out fast cos i was hungry and ready to dash into the restaurant- instead of waiting for him to walk over and open it for me... stupid rite? word of advice, caucasians are really particular bout their manners! just let them be~ oh well, it puts his great muscle mass to good use anw... so why bother right? HAHA! after that, had some time before dinner, so we watched a movie, then he started cooking... he's darn good!!! it's like this 5 course meal with a twist... cos i dun eat salad :p i felt bad that he's doing all the work and wanted to help, but he's like chasing me outta the kitchen... so all i did was just stood by the side and start teasing him bout how the aggressive bboy i knew before's turning into a california home boy keke^^ dinner was awesome! wanted to wash the dishes but he took it all away before i can... reminding me that it's a congratulatory celebration for me and that i shouldnt budge... slacked around and then he sent me home... took quite awhile cos he didnt quite noe the way back to my new house... so yupx... that's how my first celebration for passing foundation went... with my ex -_-

oh! yesterday, i met up with my secondary school besties in my class... it's been really long since i last saw them... DUH busy me as always... had a great time shopping and chatting with them... what irks me is how when the gossip's starting during dinner, they're like "so V, what's the new drama in your life?" WTH! like confirm have drama like tt... tho they're right... it still irks me somehow... RAWR! then the next big qns is "are you attached right now?" and it turned into a bet sorta game between them and my answer was put on hold -_- all in all, there was alot to catch up on each of them... and i felt really detached from them in terms of the life im living right now... cos school for me and them's totally different... activities we're into are also different... people we meet are also of different kind... a simple example would be them still tokin bout "boys" while im talking bout "men"... once again, feeling old... tho im definitely NOT THE OLDEST in the clique... but oh well... had fun! and was reluctant to bid them goodbye, cos i seriously dunno when's the next time we'll meet... but we will, i'll try... HAHA!

HL's coming back tmrw... picking him up cos i think he really needs a fren by him right now to tide over this difficult time... i hope he's feeling fine... missed my peeps!!! a'ight off to sleep, gotta wake up early and head down to the airport... nitex peeps!

xoxo

PS: 1 year down... 3 more to go~ im still thinking whether to make it 4 years or not... we'll see...

Hey peeps! finally an update bout my dance life! let's start with the negativities shall we? UNI2011 is over and im left with very complicated and mixed feelings... first up i would like to say that im disappointed in myself... i screwed up in my final performance... !@#$%^&*&^#@% yes i deserve all the jeering and tight slaps... seriously, i can just bang the wall... friday's was fine... sunday was... ... ok u guys get the point... so anw... NOT HAPPY!!! don't bother telling me that it's fine and what not... cos it's TOTALLY NOT FINE!!! many consoled me bout it, but sorry guys, the more consolation i get, the more i think im an idiot... i can't believe i blanked... a mistake i've never made at all during pracs... as tho tio possess lo... what happen to my "treat every performance as though it's the last?" and i really did decide for it to be the last... goddamnit V you're an idiot... now i can't retire!!! super bu gan xin neh!!! sianx ttm... aiya gonna put that at the back of my mind for now... so that i cn continue with this post... if nt there's not gonna be an end to it :p

so anw... this year, dance has been extremely stressful... *pft what's new right?* to the extent that it didnt seem like i enjoyed dancing... i bet i've mentioned this on my blog or to ppl around me countless times... and that ppl are tired bout me complaining bout losing drive and so on... im not asking for ppl to understand me... cos no one will and can unless you're me and i seriously dun bother explaining every explicit detail of my workload at school... maybe i should post up the list of things i did for the entire school year onto my blog... hmm... nah lazy, thrs just too much and for what...

this year... dance seemed to become a "wrong thing" to do... people around me often turn to blame "dance" for every single prob i face... parents got uptight about me spending sleepless nights rushing my homework but yet spending an entire day at dance then back home burning midnight oil continuing with work... hence start naggin and blaming dance for it... lecturers start to get worried bout my work and started to voice out that im juggling too much, hence blaming dance for it... oh ya! yet they offered me double major... ironic much... friends worried bout my well being turn to blame dance for draining my energy and for causing more strain on my health... insensitive acquaintances blame dance for making me too busy to meet up with them -_- im always hearing "it's dance again isnt it?" and "...because of dance lo~" no matter how i try to pretend tt all these doesnt get to me... it still does... and that causes alot of unhappiness as it made me think why can't ppl see that im working extremely hard in both areas that i love... and that given some born-with-probs im still trying to stay strong, live with it and continue the passion tt i once had... maybe it's too much to ask for, but all i yearn is some honest words of encouragement once in a while to help pull me through hard times... i honestly think that i deserved it as i've worked the hardest i've ever had in both areas this year...

on top of all tt, my insensitive bro goes ballistic bout me turning down a job a chanel's... well it's not fully for dance... i mean yea, i cnt possibly apply leaves to go to pracs when i just joined the company... and besides, it's chanel we're tokin bout... if i were to get in, i want to be able to focus fully on it and to give my best... another simple reason is that i deserved a break... it took me quite an effort to give that up and even more effort blocking out complains bout my decision from insensitive loved ones... people just never get it, they think they do... BUT THEY DONT! i might seem fine cos of it, but nobody could tell the internal war i fought when coming to decisions like this... well you might say it's cos i dun say it, but what good would it do for me to have it imprinted on my forehead or bitch bout it to everyone? i wanted a pat on my head but not outta sympathy... as usual, life doesnt always give what you want...

Overall, im having internal conflicts on how i feel bout UNI this year... im really satisfied with the choreo this year, yet im not satisfied -_- yea i noe what bullshit rite? well im satisfied cos i feel that my reason as to why im dancing this year has been justified and that WE did justice to the song :p on the other hand im not satisfied cos im not in the entire item... to put it more bluntly, i dun feel shuang just dancing for 2mins plus... but yet again it sounds like bullshit cos i cnt even handle 2mins plus not to mention more... i hope yall dun take it as tho im too full of myself but i have to confess that im an extremely egoistic dancer... and that's precisely the reason why i work hard to improve in order to secure and have a tight reign on my spot in the first place... several practices caused some mental instabilities for me... nt that im blaming anyone, it's really just me... i can't stand to be by the side not being able to participate in modern... i can't stand to be standing in for someone, a place that doesnt belong to me and that i'll have to return... i can't stand to admit that i no longer can do what i could before even though it's a fact that's smacked right into my face whether i like it or not... it didnt occur to me at first until my back started to hurt kinda badly when i subconsciously attempted stuff that i could no longer do... this might sound as though im crazy, but i feel that it'll be more ridiculous if im ok with it... i mean get real, any dancer in the right mind would want to fight for a spot... who in the world will be satisfied with just staying on the sidelines? *ok scratch tt, nt true, as i witnessed such self proclaimed "dancers" who takes things for granted* i admit that i envied my fellow dancers... and that there were many times that saddened me just by onlooking... fortunately, these negativities turn into positive drive... a drive that gives me no reason to not work hard for my small part... and that given lesser task as compared to the others... i would not be able forgive myself if i were to screw it up... *yes and i did on sun GDI!!! :'(*

as to whether i've grown this year... i guess i've grown to be a responsible dancer... not that im the most responsible person out thr but i've learnt to foresee problems that might surface and learnt to solve them... regardless for myself or for others... once again there are rough times when it comes to working with new dancers... but i cant help but think maybe im the one that's putting expectiations that are too high on others... and that i shouldnt be so hard on them as i do to myself... at times, i'll get irritated and even taken aback by how they see things... or shud i say, how they "don't see" things... lolx! and maybe im just more gan jiong than the rest... but seriously, they have NO SENSE OF URGENCY AT ALL!!! *or shud i say that they have a RETARDED sense of urgency? that sets in like a week before the perf?* so i guess it's more like im too much and they're too little... two extremities kinda situation... so i can't really blame them la... oh well... latest one would be how they treat my cosmetics ba... haixx nvm it's trivia... dun really wanna explain anymore... let's just say that i now have reasons to restock on whatever i have :p

oh! im really taken aback by the fact that when they encounter with problems... they're fine to leave it as it is... and not do anything bout it? yes and the nosy me will go about trying to clean up their shit... extremely shocked that i have to spoon feed them as tho they're little kids... it makes me look like a mean old lady trying to make them sound stupid and gullible... but seriously, if i dun break things up and put it in simpler terms... THEY JUST WONT GET IT!!! times like this i really would like to give myself a tight slap... to say it in a nasty way... guan wo pi shi... nosy as ever... i just like to get myself involved in probs that aint mine... seriously for what lo?!? good going V -_-

though the process's rough at times due to stupx probs... the outcome's always sweet... just that few minutes on stage is enough for me, and it totally outweigh all negativities and shit i've faced... that few precious minutes which i worked hard for... that few precious minutes which made me feel alive... that few precious minutes that made me realized i've lived life to the fullest... i can never describe exactly how i feel bout it... and i guess that's what makes it so precious to me... so precious to the extent that giving it up seems impossible... to add a cherry on top... getting positive feedbacks from people just makes it even more awesome... the most epic one would have to be shibin who's been commenting since months ago... starting out with the dance looks nice to the dance being super crazy... it's funny how he'd come up to me giving me the shock face asking how i could squeeze so many dance steps in such a short time... epic phrase from him that goes something like this "wah ni zhen de hen li hai neh... wo de just xiao xiao jiu can liao, yours damn crazy lo... how to do one..." then he went on imitating the precision part HAHAHA!!! simple comments like this never fails to make me feel that all's worth it... thx man! and for the pep talk on sun...

Once again im thankful to ZY... i noe you're getting bored of my lines but it's true... im thankful that you're still willing to give me the opportunity to shine and grow... cos honestly im like wu jia ke gui... no choreographer in the right mind would want a dancer with defects... and at times, im a royal pain in the ass when it comes to giving my opinions :p ok maybe at all times :p you've worked very hard, done a great job and the production went well! i sincerely hope that you've had a great time dancing along us and that all shit seems worth it... cos dancing together with you is a totally new experience and should i say a dream come true? nah tt sounds too much :p just imagine if laoshi dances with you a'ight? HAHA i wanna believe that you know me well enuff and will spare me the agony of saying cheesy and mushy stuff... u noe me de la hor~ keke^^

and yet again im grateful that i have siqi by my side... never fails to gear me up... she's really a darling... after UNI she text'd me claiming that there's alot to learn from me as well as thanking me once again for being her motivation, but seriously this goes both ways girl... and i felt really depressed that UNI's gonna be our last performance tgt... was like telling her where am i gonna find another motivation, and that she's irreplaceable... seriously, she's damn awesome and i feel fortunate to have worked with her twice! yet greedy me never fails to yearn for another time... oh well, one can always dream~

through all shit... i discovered people whom are really concern about me... as usual im thankful that LS has been by me through the entire roller coaster ride... school, dance and personal relations... i believe it's always a bitch to hear me complain, but she's always thr for me... tho foul mouthed... cos she'll say "life's a bitch, so learn to f*ck it" XD but i really appreciate it :p lately LS's been really into snail mailing crap to me... she sent me this months ago...

yupx it's some chocolate frm dunno which country... it caused a big wuha with my mum as she tot someone sent me a condom judging from the pressed square outline of the box on the envelope -_- when i opened it, i was all happy thinking it was chocolate but guess what!!! this was what's inside... *well the main point is actually the words in black la... the others are just nonsense from her -_-*

stressing me out months before UNI!!! thanks arh sunny... u succeeded! *clap clap* even though it irritates me ttm when i found no chocolate... im actually grateful that i have such an annoying friend who keeps check on me now and then... and of cos she came to watch, along with Hsinlu! ^^ Jen couldnt make it cos she was hospitalized after getting hit by some crazy dude on the train... i was so worried for her... and yet she still text me some words of encouragement before my perf while in the hospital... Thx girl... and im really thankful cos she planned to come watch me despite needing to fly off to china in like 3am that night... she felt really apologetic for not being able to come in the end but i assured her that it was fine... of cos it was, it's not like she didnt try, she's just darn suay that day... fortunately, she was able to leave for china, if not there goes her fyp... once again, thx girl...

i was kinda stressed out with the presence of HL cos firstly, he's not a dancer, so i dunno how he'll view the entire thing... and secondly, he's never seen me dance -_- yes stupid idiot sleeps most of the time in school... he's hardly ever awake for any school events going on back in cchy... and even if he had seen me dance before, im sure he never saw me in this genre... so yea, it's scary cos i dunno what he expects... he keeps telling me that even if i screw it wouldnt matter cos he's there to support me... well since i noe he's always very positive bout what i do *like duh rite? he dare be negative meh?!? XD* i told him before hand that he has to give me feedbacks... and not the normal "ok lo, good as usual... " kinda comment... obviously im making things difficult for him, and after perf i was buggin him bout him... he told me he needed time to think and that he'll text me later that night... and he did! saying "Vanessa, i know less bout dancing but maybe your jacket hinders your movement, like your body movements seemed less obvious... it's nice to see you dance ^^ 超有魅力！" kekeke^^ cute or what? he totally wrecked his brains coming up with a feedback... and an honest one... then i found out that he was suppose to go back to taiwan... but yet came for my perf :') just like LS who postponed her Thailand trip just for me! ^^ AND! HL had school from 8 to 6 that day, while LS skipped cheer... I LOVE YOU GUYS!!! i was also worried bout whether the production will be worth 15bucks and hence when i asked... LS and Celia said just for out item, it was definitely worth it, and HL said that just for me it's worth more than that... kekeke^^ HAPPY~ once again i have to say LEONG HEIHEI!!! WHERE ARE YOU AH?!? two of them come and support me le! LEFT YOU!!! should banish you from our world!!! RAWR!!! :p

so anw, HL left for taiwan yesterday and LS's leaving for thailand today, while heihei's already in mongolia :'( i'll be so lonely!!! met and hang out with LS yesterday... it's the first after UNI i think... and i was like reading through her journal... yes we both keep journals... like scrapbook thingy... a habit i got from GM classes when i started LASALLE and yup she tot it's fun and got more into it as compared to me... so anw it's nth private... so we dun mind ppl reading it... anw... i saw this... which was dated a few weeks before UNI

yes my fren's totally an adrenaline junkie who's nuts bout stunts... so anw we talked bout UNI again... she commented that the whole concept was v put together... and that there was a visible improvement from AHA... and HENCE she's expecting more for the upcoming AHA -_- as for the dance, she commented that she feels it lacked moqi and the stunts are not up thr... lil slips here and there are a pity... for modern, the best part for her would be the energy transfer part... she said it's great along with the lightings... and as for cool shit, it was cool shit... HAHA!!! then i ask her how's the cool shit for the other two guys and she was like "got other guys?!? i din see them dance neh... only saw your choreographer... which means..." lolx! evil much! ppl prac v hard neh!!! then she went on asking "if they're not up to standard, why ask them to stage it?" and i was like dumbfounded... cos she meant that, since the dancers aren't ready, why go on stage... then i was like "might as well ask my choreographer to do a solo suan le" and she totally shut me up by replying "why not? then wedding dress just the front 3 of u lo..." funny sunny... then she went on talking bout how it's a pity that we can't find better dancers... nt that im all that good... but yea... i shud say, dancers with the right attitude ba... ok i sound cocky saying this too... ahh whatever... then she ended off by saying and smirking "capable of better la V, so AHA hor..."

so anw this was in her journal last year...

and this is for UNI this year...

*cough cough* somebody better stay down to earth and not float around kkaes? you know who you are~ HAHA!!! oh! and she kept buggin me to bug ZY to dance in the upcoming AHA -_- im not as irritatin as u sunny... and we went on talking bout whether i'll be dancing AHA... she was like "don't join lo... complain so much... don't join la~" giving me some stupid face... then she went on "you can't stay away de la V.. you know even if shit happens you still cant give it up de... so why bother yourself by thinking so deep into it... you'll still join in the end anw" seriously it's annoying how im like so friggin indecisive bout it... i've decided to stop once and for all, but after friday night, whatever i've thought and weighed beforehand goes flushing down the toilet and im left with the huge dilemma once again... to make things more difficult, i screwed sunday's perf... how am i gonna live with that being my final dance?!? and michelle even threw me a "u jump i jump" situation... thx... lolx... so on sunday night im like, ok not retiring with this shit... then on tues i met up with YZ, a fren of mine from primary school...

she too has scoliosis, and during those days, her's was worse than mine and she immediately went for the operation... she's in drama, which also makes her a performer... and she understands me fully without me saying much... literally the pain we both feel normally, the pain we feel when doing stuff we cant, how we feel when restricted, how we hate special treatments and how we are forced to give things up reluctantly and many others... so in short... she understands fully both physical and mental pain i went through... we were catching up and when i raised this up... she's like "you want my honest advice? quit now..." she then went on bout knowing i'll be happy with prolonging my dance life, but if accidents happen i might be paralyzed and there goes the rest of my life... and that how would i feel then... she was straight forward to the extent that i felt like i got hit right in the face by a big yellow bus... it scares me even more becos she knows the exact outcomes if a minor accident were to happen to me... outcomes that i refuse to keep in mind... and of cos she shared her side of one who undergone the op... she said that only after 7 years will i be able to noe if the op succeeded... and that a year after the op, i might be able to dance again... just that my movements will be highly restricted... she was like "no body wave, no powerful dance moves, no bending, no straining, no pointing of your feet...." i didnt even need to carry on hearing and i turned ballistic... how's that dancing? if it's suppose to be comforting it sure damn isnt aight!!! well i understand that she's trying to be very objective and non bias... and of cos the truth hurts... and from that, im lost once again on my decision...

then the next day was with LS... she knew exactly all the right buttons to push... and when i told her bout what YZ said... she replied with a simple phrase "has anything ever stop you from doing what you want?" and therefore the conclusion of my dilemma is NO CONCLUSION! oh well... maybe i should go back to being a student... for dance i mean... just attending classes and learning from scratch... learn to enjoy the process like i used to... meet and find some inspirations... i hope that helps... but first off i better start working soon cos money dun just drop from the skies... haixx... keep myself busy in this lonely period... so i guess that's all~

xoxo

PS: insomnia lately~ dun really noe what's the exact reason... maybe because my school results arent out yet... and now that dance isnt there to occupy my mind and body, it's totally taking a toll on me... anyone with remedies please tell me!

pps: oh i forgot to mention this! UNI was held in obox! it's like a wish come true to perform in it... cos since the first time i stepped in it, i wanted to perform there! ^^ the energy the atmosphere everything! it's really awesome and i feel fortunate to have a chance to perform in it, i think we're the first? and im proud to have a studio like that^^ totally dun understand those who grumble bout the setting... be grateful! RAWR! :p

Hey, emo post coming right up... feel free to leave the page...

The weather today depicts my mood perfectly... it was gloomy, rained... walked in the rain, cold, but now im all toasty, after a shower... but it's still gloomy...

it's the death anniversary of my beloved grandfather... in case you guys are wondering why every blog post containing this falls on different dates it's because we count by the lunar calendar... and today's the 3rd day of the 5th month... so yea... went over to my grandmother's to pray cos im not allowed to the graveyard... it's something to do with me having asthma and having to breathe in polluted air there... that's why i was never allowed to go... as usual... there's so many things i wanted to say to him, share with him but he wouldnt reply... spent the entire morning in his room... just sitting on the floor, thinking... it's freaky how his energy's still around in the room... like i could feel his presence... like he's next to me... memories hit me like a tidal wave as usual... and it rolls back taking me along...

after lunch, my family decided to head back while i went for a walk around my area... and it rained... i didnt bother taking shelter as just for today... getting poured on seems to make me feel like im closer to my grandfather... cos what's connecting him and me is the clouds and rain... as the rain pours on me, it's as though he's just standing by my side, caressing my head... occasionally, the irritating cold gush of wind would blow right into me... and just for today, i smiled, taking it as though he's scolding me for being in the rain... trying to rush me back home so that i wouldn't fall sick... at the same time, i also wished that the rain would wash off all the feelings i had... the feeling of missing him... the feeling of loving him... and it'll be the best if it could wash off all memories i had with him to exempt me from all these misery... but of cos... it's impossible...

im not gonna argue with anyone who's gonna tell me that time will heal all pain anymore... cos it has been proven to be wrong... not just with grandfather but also with the other peeps i've lost... this year it's harder than ever cos im really scared...

grandmother was admitted into the hospital recently but she's alright now... yet her leg seems to worsen and she seemed to have weaken ever since my uncle was admitted into the hospital too... well my uncle's fine now... but at that period... it scares me when i look at my grandmother then... i've never seen her so vulnerable before... she lost her appetite and was clearly worried sick bout her son, yet feels helpless cos she's unable to visit him at the hospital... at that point of time... i had a family appointments to attend to in place of her and i felt like i was in her shoes... i didnt want to put up a bright face and be all hypocritical in front of everyone... all i wanted was to go back to them to help them, to console her... yet i didnt have a choice and was forced to entertain... i felt helpless... i tried to visit her more often and that made me feel worst... cos seeing her get weaker as life's being sucked out of her day by day pains me... not being able to help her or share her pain kills me even more...

recently i really thought alot on a weakness that's always been with me and no matter hw much i had admitting it, i gotta... im scared of losing people i love... ive lost a few and it feels terrible... i dun noe if any of you out there knows or understands how i feel... cos no words could describe what im feeling... this might sound very cliche but it's like grabbing on to a bunch of sand... it'll slowly slip away through your fingertips... and before you know it, it's gone... grabbing on tighter makes it slip away faster, not grabbing on to it tight enough does the same... what matters i guess it's what you're doing when you're still holding on to them...

it sucks to know that there's a deadline to things... things expire... and like the saying goes... "from the moment you're born, you're dying"... i know it's a phase that everyone has to go through... but im just not ready... im scared... im too greedy... im a coward... reality is hitting me hard and i dun wanna accept it... trying to give myself an excuse by saying that im nt old enuff for this... but life always just serve shit to you not caring whether you like it anot right?

D emailed me today... asking how am i feeling... knowing that it's my grandfather's death anniversary today in Singapore... i dun really wanna noe that he still keeps track of such stuff despite living in my "yesterday" being situated in LA... ironically, him, a person i lost tried to console me bout the lost of my grandfather... ridiculous much... for him, it's not that much of being helpless cos i was the one who pushed him away... i chose it... never regretted...

he's been popping up in conversations often recently ever since i started wearing the necklace he gave me again... i guess peeps misunderstood that i stopped wearing becos he left... and that's absolutely not true... it was given to me on the note that i should continue to dance and shine... a token that symbolizes support for the future from my crew... and memories when we all were still dancing together... i stopped wearing it cos the string started rotting and the metals were turning green... never took it off and i even bathe with it, hence that... i've never left it behind and it has always been in my purse... it took me alot of effort to cut the string and change it to a new one, this time plastic instead of cloth... i tot bout why it was hard to make that snip and i guess the reason differs from the reason as to why it was given to me... the action of snipping it seems otherwise... and hence i hesitated... but now since all should be over and done with... i decided to put it at the back of my head... i mean come on it's been 3 years... and yup im back to wearing the new necklace holding on to the same reason it was given to me back then...

many still commented i was dumb to have pushed him away... but i never regretted... but if given a second chance... i dun think i have the courage to do the same... like duh, it still haunts me to this date... it can only be pushed to the back of my mind but not be erased... at times im afraid to fall asleep not cos of fearing i'll get a nightmare but of fearing i'll get a sweet dream, and that waking up to nothing... all these are what i've collated over the years... if time were to turn back... i wouldnt dare to do what i did... im scared of losing once again...

others asked if is it better that we're still friends... i once thought it was... but it wouldnt have hurt so much if he turned to hate me and leave my life for good... becos he understands what i did is all for him and respects my decisions... things never really ended with a fullstop... and that hurt even worst... ahh it's really hard to explain given too many episodes to my story... i think this song sums it up better than i've ever had...

the song's originally by charice but i think this version fits more to whatever i've experienced... cos he understands... i never really could explain fully in words as to why i pushed him away but this song's kinda like hitting the nail on my head... i guess i should quote from lyrics then explain... first up, "had to turn the page cos to keep him was a sin." secondly "i cared enough about you, to give you a chance to find someone who cares" and lastly, "had to cut you loose cos forever's something we can't be" i couldnt bring myself to ask him to stay and putting his already bright future on hold and at risk... furthermore i didnt even have an olvl cert then... it would be a sin if i were to keep him for myself... from this, there's so many other ppl out there who's more deserving to be in my place... cos at that pt or even now, i definitely would not make the cut... and besides, i dun believe that anything lasts forever, hence to put his future at risk for me who thinks this way is definitely not worth it... Therefore, my choice...

readers... please do not go on thinking that im braggin i've experienced great love or that my life's a drama... cos seriously if given a choice i'd rather my life was boring and dull... and till today, i cant say that it was great love, and i sincerely hope tt it isnt... cos one will only know that it was great love when they turn to lose it... and i hate to think that i've lost anything... and in this way, i hope i dun experience great love at all cos i dun wanna lose anyone...

conclusion of the entire post... im scared, im a coward and maybe the solution to these insecurities is to not love... that way it wouldnt hurt...

anyone with comments please feel free to enlighten me... people who wanna comment that they understand... DON'T!!! cos you seriously do not, as every case is different... people who thinks im being an asshole here feel free to carry on with that thought cos i think im one too... people who wish to know more bout whatever im talking bout that's vague... just shut up... i will when im ready... you guys can try to figure it out by listening to yuan liang wo by xiao jing teng if you're really curious... it's close and explains more i guess... that's all...

PS: please look out for me from above... and i'll always be thinking of you from here...

i love you, my dearest grandfather... i always do...

Hey peeps, im back~ today i've been slacking at home keke^^ ah! dun start judging me a'ight! i totally think i deserve a break, and besides im having my holidays yo~ the weather's totally great for burying myself under my fluffy quilt and for sleeping in~ yes piggy behavior i noe~ but im a proud piggy^^ WAHAHA!!!

Dance's been on my mind lately... i mean like DUH how can it not be right? cos perf's on next fri and sun... well i havent really blogged much bout this year's UNI cos i wanted to blog when everything's over so that i can type with a full picture in my mind... so yup, expect an entry on it after the perf ba!

Monday, went to hwachong institution for a dance production... well first off, the school is BLOODY BIG! thank god Lasalle's not like that... if so, i might have to wear skates to school every single day HAHA!!! so anw, since it's a school production... i din really had any expectations in mind... and i was just watching based on entertainment purposes? but of cos, me being me always spots for mistakes... i guess it's a good thing that i manage to go for a production right before my own as it serves as a reminder for myself... like what i shud take note of, and mistakes which i shouldnt make blah blah... so went home with quite a few pointers in mind...

On Tuesday, met up with LS to go to IKEA just to lunch :p yes we're that crazy... the last time we went there, we had lots of serious conver... and this time it's no diff... was totally pouring out all my worries and shit that's been happening recently... im glad to have sucha a great friend... really~ although she's like foul mouthed at times... i still love her!!! keke^^ what's even more amazing is that... after we said our goodbyes... our conver never ends... cos we keep texting and msn-ing... there's just too much to talk about... HAHA just like heihei and me!!! speaking of which im gonna be meeting him tomorrow... that boy is one lucky chap... cos i'll be waiting for him when he's at his poppin class tomorrow... totally as though a mum picking up her son :p [side note: yes! heihei finally took up dance classes despite mentioning over and over again way back... and yet not doing it cos he's too busy... finally managed to piss him off into going without thinking of consequences by saying that he's never gonna be free for it and can totally suck it up :p im evil but that boy seriously needs a lil push at times...] well since he's free after his class tomorrow... reckoned i should hang out and chill with him before he leaves for Mongolia... bloody boy's gonna miss my performance AGAIN!!! just last year he missed AHA to go to Boston and now Mongolia!!! irritatin scholar with all his school commitments! TSK!!! if not it'll be family trips whatsoever!!! RAWR!!! i noe he's like guilty and all but U SHUD BE!!! TSK!!! nevertheless he's still my best bud... u better get me a gift from Mongolia!!! HAHA!!!

speaking of heihei, before my assessment... i went to look for him on a fri night... picked him up after poppin class and we just roamed around town, talking... it was a great night cos our conver were endless... the conversations between me and him were never one after another... it's more like him interrupting me and vice versa... we just can't wait to get our points across... LS mentions that when we 3 hang out... she wouldnt have the chance to even speak :p sorry girl... and as for HL, i think he just watches us like we're a duo on a variety show HAHA!!! so anw we talked, walked, stop and listen to some street musician...

sang our hearts out along with them on the streets... HAHA and sweet heihei gave them some money^^ i must say, they deserved it... so after quite alot of songs started walking talking...then settled for late dinner... talked again... then trained home... although i was like friggin sleepy and wanted to nap on the train home... we just couldnt stop talking!!! HAHA!!! peeps who are curious shud really watch us talk... it's quite a spectacle... entertaining to some... asked heihei bout whether his parents ever qns if we are tgt or anything... and he said no and that they just knew we're tight... cool~ told heihei to hlp me say hi to his parents when he sees them and he friggin text me later that night "Hey my parents says hi to u too" lolx i was dumbfounded... like what was i suppose to say? and im like "erm ok... dun really noe what to say but yea..." and he just laughs it off... we never really liked texting each other cos it's just not fast enough... HAHA! we just end up calling each other... like the other time we chat on the phone for 6hrs -_- i dun even chat so long with my girlfriends... and we still had to force ourselves to stop.... HAHA ridiculous...

Wednesday which was yesterday, had dance prac... i guess i was just grumpy... maybe i need some anger management class or something... but i actually think that i have a high EQ though... im easily irritated but not easily angered... and if i do... it normally doesnt last v long... cos the next min i'll be laughing and smiling like a nutcase... so yea it's a day where i feel that im rapidly ageing... i've always been told im like an old lady stuck in a young girl's body... but i've never really felt that it was that severe... HAHA!!! yes severe's the word... yet i dun think that im the one that's growing too fast... it's more like both ways? im a lil too fast and they're just too slow? :p HAHA!!! i should totally just learn to mind my own business and stop poking my nose into other people's shit... OH! and shut that incredulously big mouth of mine... raking other people's problems up and sink myself in it seems dumb... but yet i cnt not do anything when i see a prob... maybe im just a control freak?

so anw after prac, brought the girls shopping for their outfit -_- yes why still nt done at this time right? dun ask me... so anw mission failed and i dun really bother elaborating on details... whatever it is, i was pissed... what made it worst was when i was heading towards the mrt station with misa, a model company "agent" came up to me, gave me their card and ask for my particulars... well it's nothing new and seriously not to sound boastful or anything... i actually think that if i were to keep all the cards i've received... i would have quite a collection right now... my highest record in a day in orchard would be 4 cards... fastest record is 3 cards in a half an hr span... it's kinda crazy and irritating... i rmbred then i just wanted to drop by the art friend at taka and daiso at ion to grab art materials real quick and head home to do homework... yet i was stopped 3 times -_- i could've get outta there in less than half an hr if not for the delay by the 3 separate agents -_- it's to the extent that right now, i dun really bother listening to them as they try to explain themselves... i just ask them to handover their notebook of theirs and scribble particulars down... HAHA!!! am i efficient or what?

so anw what's sucky bout it ytd was that they treated misa as though she wasnt there... like WTH!!! at least have some courtesy to give the cards to both ppl right? approach me and leave my fren hanging?!? she aint invisible ya noe?!? friggin paiseh neh... PISSED OFF!!! and misa was like shocked cos she asked me after "you gave fake name and number?!?" lolx yea la... if not neh? give real one and have them bug me bout it? seriously those ppl never get tired... im positive that im at the state that i shud be blacklisted judging from how many times i've gave the same name and same number... they get the same wrong number for so many times not sianx meh? they just never learn do they? haixx... and besides i honestly dun feel happy bout it cos i always wanna scream at them "WITH THIS HEIGHT OF MINE, YOU'RE TELLING ME THAT IM APPLICABLE TO BE A MODEL?!? YOU'RE KIDDING ME RIGHT?!?"

what's even more ridiculous was when i was in ion one day and someone came up to me... at first i thought it was another one of those model agencies... and guess what?!? it was not for modeling but for miss singapore world blah blah... WTH rite?!? damn bloody li pu~ i was like sha yan... it's so ridiculous that i kept the card thingy in my journal :p

so yupx.. that's bout it for this week... im too lazy to talk about things that passed... maybe i will when it links to there in the future.. but yea~ for now... this is enuff... dun wanna run outta materials to blog now do we? keke^^ me and my excuses :p kkaes nitex nitex peeps~ ^^

ps: this is the link to more of my fashion shoot...

http://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.10150210244343897.318309.745343896

Thankful to everyone that gave me comments and compliments! it really means alot to me! ^^

kinda shock to wake up to alot of notifications and mails... but seriously random mails from random guys will not be entertained... need more frens or some company? go out into the real world and find one instead of hiding at home behind a comp screen... if you're too "shy" get some sexy mags and head into the toilet and do whatever u wanna do a'ight?!? geez this "care to intro, im a nice guy" peeps has gotta gimme a break!!!