so anw... this year, dance has been extremely stressful... *pft what's new right?* to the extent that it didnt seem like i enjoyed dancing... i bet i've mentioned this on my blog or to ppl around me countless times... and that ppl are tired bout me complaining bout losing drive and so on... im not asking for ppl to understand me... cos no one will and can unless you're me and i seriously dun bother explaining every explicit detail of my workload at school... maybe i should post up the list of things i did for the entire school year onto my blog... hmm... nah lazy, thrs just too much and for what...
this year... dance seemed to become a "wrong thing" to do... people around me often turn to blame "dance" for every single prob i face... parents got uptight about me spending sleepless nights rushing my homework but yet spending an entire day at dance then back home burning midnight oil continuing with work... hence start naggin and blaming dance for it... lecturers start to get worried bout my work and started to voice out that im juggling too much, hence blaming dance for it... oh ya! yet they offered me double major... ironic much... friends worried bout my well being turn to blame dance for draining my energy and for causing more strain on my health... insensitive acquaintances blame dance for making me too busy to meet up with them -_- im always hearing "it's dance again isnt it?" and "...because of dance lo~" no matter how i try to pretend tt all these doesnt get to me... it still does... and that causes alot of unhappiness as it made me think why can't ppl see that im working extremely hard in both areas that i love... and that given some born-with-probs im still trying to stay strong, live with it and continue the passion tt i once had... maybe it's too much to ask for, but all i yearn is some honest words of encouragement once in a while to help pull me through hard times... i honestly think that i deserved it as i've worked the hardest i've ever had in both areas this year...
on top of all tt, my insensitive bro goes ballistic bout me turning down a job a chanel's... well it's not fully for dance... i mean yea, i cnt possibly apply leaves to go to pracs when i just joined the company... and besides, it's chanel we're tokin bout... if i were to get in, i want to be able to focus fully on it and to give my best... another simple reason is that i deserved a break... it took me quite an effort to give that up and even more effort blocking out complains bout my decision from insensitive loved ones... people just never get it, they think they do... BUT THEY DONT! i might seem fine cos of it, but nobody could tell the internal war i fought when coming to decisions like this... well you might say it's cos i dun say it, but what good would it do for me to have it imprinted on my forehead or bitch bout it to everyone? i wanted a pat on my head but not outta sympathy... as usual, life doesnt always give what you want...
Overall, im having internal conflicts on how i feel bout UNI this year... im really satisfied with the choreo this year, yet im not satisfied -_- yea i noe what bullshit rite? well im satisfied cos i feel that my reason as to why im dancing this year has been justified and that WE did justice to the song :p on the other hand im not satisfied cos im not in the entire item... to put it more bluntly, i dun feel shuang just dancing for 2mins plus... but yet again it sounds like bullshit cos i cnt even handle 2mins plus not to mention more... i hope yall dun take it as tho im too full of myself but i have to confess that im an extremely egoistic dancer... and that's precisely the reason why i work hard to improve in order to secure and have a tight reign on my spot in the first place... several practices caused some mental instabilities for me... nt that im blaming anyone, it's really just me... i can't stand to be by the side not being able to participate in modern... i can't stand to be standing in for someone, a place that doesnt belong to me and that i'll have to return... i can't stand to admit that i no longer can do what i could before even though it's a fact that's smacked right into my face whether i like it or not... it didnt occur to me at first until my back started to hurt kinda badly when i subconsciously attempted stuff that i could no longer do... this might sound as though im crazy, but i feel that it'll be more ridiculous if im ok with it... i mean get real, any dancer in the right mind would want to fight for a spot... who in the world will be satisfied with just staying on the sidelines? *ok scratch tt, nt true, as i witnessed such self proclaimed "dancers" who takes things for granted* i admit that i envied my fellow dancers... and that there were many times that saddened me just by onlooking... fortunately, these negativities turn into positive drive... a drive that gives me no reason to not work hard for my small part... and that given lesser task as compared to the others... i would not be able forgive myself if i were to screw it up... *yes and i did on sun GDI!!! :'(*
as to whether i've grown this year... i guess i've grown to be a responsible dancer... not that im the most responsible person out thr but i've learnt to foresee problems that might surface and learnt to solve them... regardless for myself or for others... once again there are rough times when it comes to working with new dancers... but i cant help but think maybe im the one that's putting expectiations that are too high on others... and that i shouldnt be so hard on them as i do to myself... at times, i'll get irritated and even taken aback by how they see things... or shud i say, how they "don't see" things... lolx! and maybe im just more gan jiong than the rest... but seriously, they have NO SENSE OF URGENCY AT ALL!!! *or shud i say that they have a RETARDED sense of urgency? that sets in like a week before the perf?* so i guess it's more like im too much and they're too little... two extremities kinda situation... so i can't really blame them la... oh well... latest one would be how they treat my cosmetics ba... haixx nvm it's trivia... dun really wanna explain anymore... let's just say that i now have reasons to restock on whatever i have :p
oh! im really taken aback by the fact that when they encounter with problems... they're fine to leave it as it is... and not do anything bout it? yes and the nosy me will go about trying to clean up their shit... extremely shocked that i have to spoon feed them as tho they're little kids... it makes me look like a mean old lady trying to make them sound stupid and gullible... but seriously, if i dun break things up and put it in simpler terms... THEY JUST WONT GET IT!!! times like this i really would like to give myself a tight slap... to say it in a nasty way... guan wo pi shi... nosy as ever... i just like to get myself involved in probs that aint mine... seriously for what lo?!? good going V -_-
though the process's rough at times due to stupx probs... the outcome's always sweet... just that few minutes on stage is enough for me, and it totally outweigh all negativities and shit i've faced... that few precious minutes which i worked hard for... that few precious minutes which made me feel alive... that few precious minutes that made me realized i've lived life to the fullest... i can never describe exactly how i feel bout it... and i guess that's what makes it so precious to me... so precious to the extent that giving it up seems impossible... to add a cherry on top... getting positive feedbacks from people just makes it even more awesome... the most epic one would have to be shibin who's been commenting since months ago... starting out with the dance looks nice to the dance being super crazy... it's funny how he'd come up to me giving me the shock face asking how i could squeeze so many dance steps in such a short time... epic phrase from him that goes something like this "wah ni zhen de hen li hai neh... wo de just xiao xiao jiu can liao, yours damn crazy lo... how to do one..." then he went on imitating the precision part HAHAHA!!! simple comments like this never fails to make me feel that all's worth it... thx man! and for the pep talk on sun...
Once again im thankful to ZY... i noe you're getting bored of my lines but it's true... im thankful that you're still willing to give me the opportunity to shine and grow... cos honestly im like wu jia ke gui... no choreographer in the right mind would want a dancer with defects... and at times, im a royal pain in the ass when it comes to giving my opinions :p ok maybe at all times :p you've worked very hard, done a great job and the production went well! i sincerely hope that you've had a great time dancing along us and that all shit seems worth it... cos dancing together with you is a totally new experience and should i say a dream come true? nah tt sounds too much :p just imagine if laoshi dances with you a'ight? HAHA i wanna believe that you know me well enuff and will spare me the agony of saying cheesy and mushy stuff... u noe me de la hor~ keke^^
and yet again im grateful that i have siqi by my side... never fails to gear me up... she's really a darling... after UNI she text'd me claiming that there's alot to learn from me as well as thanking me once again for being her motivation, but seriously this goes both ways girl... and i felt really depressed that UNI's gonna be our last performance tgt... was like telling her where am i gonna find another motivation, and that she's irreplaceable... seriously, she's damn awesome and i feel fortunate to have worked with her twice! yet greedy me never fails to yearn for another time... oh well, one can always dream~
through all shit... i discovered people whom are really concern about me... as usual im thankful that LS has been by me through the entire roller coaster ride... school, dance and personal relations... i believe it's always a bitch to hear me complain, but she's always thr for me... tho foul mouthed... cos she'll say "life's a bitch, so learn to f*ck it" XD but i really appreciate it :p lately LS's been really into snail mailing crap to me... she sent me this months ago...
yupx it's some chocolate frm dunno which country... it caused a big wuha with my mum as she tot someone sent me a condom judging from the pressed square outline of the box on the envelope -_- when i opened it, i was all happy thinking it was chocolate but guess what!!! this was what's inside... *well the main point is actually the words in black la... the others are just nonsense from her -_-*
stressing me out months before UNI!!! thanks arh sunny... u succeeded! *clap clap* even though it irritates me ttm when i found no chocolate... im actually grateful that i have such an annoying friend who keeps check on me now and then... and of cos she came to watch, along with Hsinlu! ^^ Jen couldnt make it cos she was hospitalized after getting hit by some crazy dude on the train... i was so worried for her... and yet she still text me some words of encouragement before my perf while in the hospital... Thx girl... and im really thankful cos she planned to come watch me despite needing to fly off to china in like 3am that night... she felt really apologetic for not being able to come in the end but i assured her that it was fine... of cos it was, it's not like she didnt try, she's just darn suay that day... fortunately, she was able to leave for china, if not there goes her fyp... once again, thx girl...
i was kinda stressed out with the presence of HL cos firstly, he's not a dancer, so i dunno how he'll view the entire thing... and secondly, he's never seen me dance -_- yes stupid idiot sleeps most of the time in school... he's hardly ever awake for any school events going on back in cchy... and even if he had seen me dance before, im sure he never saw me in this genre... so yea, it's scary cos i dunno what he expects... he keeps telling me that even if i screw it wouldnt matter cos he's there to support me... well since i noe he's always very positive bout what i do *like duh rite? he dare be negative meh?!? XD* i told him before hand that he has to give me feedbacks... and not the normal "ok lo, good as usual... " kinda comment... obviously im making things difficult for him, and after perf i was buggin him bout him... he told me he needed time to think and that he'll text me later that night... and he did! saying "Vanessa, i know less bout dancing but maybe your jacket hinders your movement, like your body movements seemed less obvious... it's nice to see you dance ^^ 超有魅力！" kekeke^^ cute or what? he totally wrecked his brains coming up with a feedback... and an honest one... then i found out that he was suppose to go back to taiwan... but yet came for my perf :') just like LS who postponed her Thailand trip just for me! ^^ AND! HL had school from 8 to 6 that day, while LS skipped cheer... I LOVE YOU GUYS!!! i was also worried bout whether the production will be worth 15bucks and hence when i asked... LS and Celia said just for out item, it was definitely worth it, and HL said that just for me it's worth more than that... kekeke^^ HAPPY~ once again i have to say LEONG HEIHEI!!! WHERE ARE YOU AH?!? two of them come and support me le! LEFT YOU!!! should banish you from our world!!! RAWR!!! :p
so anw, HL left for taiwan yesterday and LS's leaving for thailand today, while heihei's already in mongolia :'( i'll be so lonely!!! met and hang out with LS yesterday... it's the first after UNI i think... and i was like reading through her journal... yes we both keep journals... like scrapbook thingy... a habit i got from GM classes when i started LASALLE and yup she tot it's fun and got more into it as compared to me... so anw it's nth private... so we dun mind ppl reading it... anw... i saw this... which was dated a few weeks before UNI
yes my fren's totally an adrenaline junkie who's nuts bout stunts... so anw we talked bout UNI again... she commented that the whole concept was v put together... and that there was a visible improvement from AHA... and HENCE she's expecting more for the upcoming AHA -_- as for the dance, she commented that she feels it lacked moqi and the stunts are not up thr... lil slips here and there are a pity... for modern, the best part for her would be the energy transfer part... she said it's great along with the lightings... and as for cool shit, it was cool shit... HAHA!!! then i ask her how's the cool shit for the other two guys and she was like "got other guys?!? i din see them dance neh... only saw your choreographer... which means..." lolx! evil much! ppl prac v hard neh!!! then she went on asking "if they're not up to standard, why ask them to stage it?" and i was like dumbfounded... cos she meant that, since the dancers aren't ready, why go on stage... then i was like "might as well ask my choreographer to do a solo suan le" and she totally shut me up by replying "why not? then wedding dress just the front 3 of u lo..." funny sunny... then she went on talking bout how it's a pity that we can't find better dancers... nt that im all that good... but yea... i shud say, dancers with the right attitude ba... ok i sound cocky saying this too... ahh whatever... then she ended off by saying and smirking "capable of better la V, so AHA hor..."so anw this was in her journal last year...
and this is for UNI this year...
*cough cough* somebody better stay down to earth and not float around kkaes? you know who you are~ HAHA!!! oh! and she kept buggin me to bug ZY to dance in the upcoming AHA -_- im not as irritatin as u sunny... and we went on talking bout whether i'll be dancing AHA... she was like "don't join lo... complain so much... don't join la~" giving me some stupid face... then she went on "you can't stay away de la V.. you know even if shit happens you still cant give it up de... so why bother yourself by thinking so deep into it... you'll still join in the end anw" seriously it's annoying how im like so friggin indecisive bout it... i've decided to stop once and for all, but after friday night, whatever i've thought and weighed beforehand goes flushing down the toilet and im left with the huge dilemma once again... to make things more difficult, i screwed sunday's perf... how am i gonna live with that being my final dance?!? and michelle even threw me a "u jump i jump" situation... thx... lolx... so on sunday night im like, ok not retiring with this shit... then on tues i met up with YZ, a fren of mine from primary school... she too has scoliosis, and during those days, her's was worse than mine and she immediately went for the operation... she's in drama, which also makes her a performer... and she understands me fully without me saying much... literally the pain we both feel normally, the pain we feel when doing stuff we cant, how we feel when restricted, how we hate special treatments and how we are forced to give things up reluctantly and many others... so in short... she understands fully both physical and mental pain i went through... we were catching up and when i raised this up... she's like "you want my honest advice? quit now..." she then went on bout knowing i'll be happy with prolonging my dance life, but if accidents happen i might be paralyzed and there goes the rest of my life... and that how would i feel then... she was straight forward to the extent that i felt like i got hit right in the face by a big yellow bus... it scares me even more becos she knows the exact outcomes if a minor accident were to happen to me... outcomes that i refuse to keep in mind... and of cos she shared her side of one who undergone the op... she said that only after 7 years will i be able to noe if the op succeeded... and that a year after the op, i might be able to dance again... just that my movements will be highly restricted... she was like "no body wave, no powerful dance moves, no bending, no straining, no pointing of your feet...." i didnt even need to carry on hearing and i turned ballistic... how's that dancing? if it's suppose to be comforting it sure damn isnt aight!!! well i understand that she's trying to be very objective and non bias... and of cos the truth hurts... and from that, im lost once again on my decision...
then the next day was with LS... she knew exactly all the right buttons to push... and when i told her bout what YZ said... she replied with a simple phrase "has anything ever stop you from doing what you want?" and therefore the conclusion of my dilemma is NO CONCLUSION! oh well... maybe i should go back to being a student... for dance i mean... just attending classes and learning from scratch... learn to enjoy the process like i used to... meet and find some inspirations... i hope that helps... but first off i better start working soon cos money dun just drop from the skies... haixx... keep myself busy in this lonely period... so i guess that's all~
xoxo
PS: insomnia lately~ dun really noe what's the exact reason... maybe because my school results arent out yet... and now that dance isnt there to occupy my mind and body, it's totally taking a toll on me... anyone with remedies please tell me!
pps: oh i forgot to mention this! UNI was held in obox! it's like a wish come true to perform in it... cos since the first time i stepped in it, i wanted to perform there! ^^ the energy the atmosphere everything! it's really awesome and i feel fortunate to have a chance to perform in it, i think we're the first? and im proud to have a studio like that^^ totally dun understand those who grumble bout the setting... be grateful! RAWR! :p
No comments:
Post a Comment