The weather today depicts my mood perfectly... it was gloomy, rained... walked in the rain, cold, but now im all toasty, after a shower... but it's still gloomy...
it's the death anniversary of my beloved grandfather... in case you guys are wondering why every blog post containing this falls on different dates it's because we count by the lunar calendar... and today's the 3rd day of the 5th month... so yea... went over to my grandmother's to pray cos im not allowed to the graveyard... it's something to do with me having asthma and having to breathe in polluted air there... that's why i was never allowed to go... as usual... there's so many things i wanted to say to him, share with him but he wouldnt reply... spent the entire morning in his room... just sitting on the floor, thinking... it's freaky how his energy's still around in the room... like i could feel his presence... like he's next to me... memories hit me like a tidal wave as usual... and it rolls back taking me along...
after lunch, my family decided to head back while i went for a walk around my area... and it rained... i didnt bother taking shelter as just for today... getting poured on seems to make me feel like im closer to my grandfather... cos what's connecting him and me is the clouds and rain... as the rain pours on me, it's as though he's just standing by my side, caressing my head... occasionally, the irritating cold gush of wind would blow right into me... and just for today, i smiled, taking it as though he's scolding me for being in the rain... trying to rush me back home so that i wouldn't fall sick... at the same time, i also wished that the rain would wash off all the feelings i had... the feeling of missing him... the feeling of loving him... and it'll be the best if it could wash off all memories i had with him to exempt me from all these misery... but of cos... it's impossible...
im not gonna argue with anyone who's gonna tell me that time will heal all pain anymore... cos it has been proven to be wrong... not just with grandfather but also with the other peeps i've lost... this year it's harder than ever cos im really scared...
grandmother was admitted into the hospital recently but she's alright now... yet her leg seems to worsen and she seemed to have weaken ever since my uncle was admitted into the hospital too... well my uncle's fine now... but at that period... it scares me when i look at my grandmother then... i've never seen her so vulnerable before... she lost her appetite and was clearly worried sick bout her son, yet feels helpless cos she's unable to visit him at the hospital... at that point of time... i had a family appointments to attend to in place of her and i felt like i was in her shoes... i didnt want to put up a bright face and be all hypocritical in front of everyone... all i wanted was to go back to them to help them, to console her... yet i didnt have a choice and was forced to entertain... i felt helpless... i tried to visit her more often and that made me feel worst... cos seeing her get weaker as life's being sucked out of her day by day pains me... not being able to help her or share her pain kills me even more...
recently i really thought alot on a weakness that's always been with me and no matter hw much i had admitting it, i gotta... im scared of losing people i love... ive lost a few and it feels terrible... i dun noe if any of you out there knows or understands how i feel... cos no words could describe what im feeling... this might sound very cliche but it's like grabbing on to a bunch of sand... it'll slowly slip away through your fingertips... and before you know it, it's gone... grabbing on tighter makes it slip away faster, not grabbing on to it tight enough does the same... what matters i guess it's what you're doing when you're still holding on to them...
it sucks to know that there's a deadline to things... things expire... and like the saying goes... "from the moment you're born, you're dying"... i know it's a phase that everyone has to go through... but im just not ready... im scared... im too greedy... im a coward... reality is hitting me hard and i dun wanna accept it... trying to give myself an excuse by saying that im nt old enuff for this... but life always just serve shit to you not caring whether you like it anot right?
D emailed me today... asking how am i feeling... knowing that it's my grandfather's death anniversary today in Singapore... i dun really wanna noe that he still keeps track of such stuff despite living in my "yesterday" being situated in LA... ironically, him, a person i lost tried to console me bout the lost of my grandfather... ridiculous much... for him, it's not that much of being helpless cos i was the one who pushed him away... i chose it... never regretted...
he's been popping up in conversations often recently ever since i started wearing the necklace he gave me again... i guess peeps misunderstood that i stopped wearing becos he left... and that's absolutely not true... it was given to me on the note that i should continue to dance and shine... a token that symbolizes support for the future from my crew... and memories when we all were still dancing together... i stopped wearing it cos the string started rotting and the metals were turning green... never took it off and i even bathe with it, hence that... i've never left it behind and it has always been in my purse... it took me alot of effort to cut the string and change it to a new one, this time plastic instead of cloth... i tot bout why it was hard to make that snip and i guess the reason differs from the reason as to why it was given to me... the action of snipping it seems otherwise... and hence i hesitated... but now since all should be over and done with... i decided to put it at the back of my head... i mean come on it's been 3 years... and yup im back to wearing the new necklace holding on to the same reason it was given to me back then...
many still commented i was dumb to have pushed him away... but i never regretted... but if given a second chance... i dun think i have the courage to do the same... like duh, it still haunts me to this date... it can only be pushed to the back of my mind but not be erased... at times im afraid to fall asleep not cos of fearing i'll get a nightmare but of fearing i'll get a sweet dream, and that waking up to nothing... all these are what i've collated over the years... if time were to turn back... i wouldnt dare to do what i did... im scared of losing once again...
others asked if is it better that we're still friends... i once thought it was... but it wouldnt have hurt so much if he turned to hate me and leave my life for good... becos he understands what i did is all for him and respects my decisions... things never really ended with a fullstop... and that hurt even worst... ahh it's really hard to explain given too many episodes to my story... i think this song sums it up better than i've ever had...
the song's originally by charice but i think this version fits more to whatever i've experienced... cos he understands... i never really could explain fully in words as to why i pushed him away but this song's kinda like hitting the nail on my head... i guess i should quote from lyrics then explain... first up, "had to turn the page cos to keep him was a sin." secondly "i cared enough about you, to give you a chance to find someone who cares" and lastly, "had to cut you loose cos forever's something we can't be" i couldnt bring myself to ask him to stay and putting his already bright future on hold and at risk... furthermore i didnt even have an olvl cert then... it would be a sin if i were to keep him for myself... from this, there's so many other ppl out there who's more deserving to be in my place... cos at that pt or even now, i definitely would not make the cut... and besides, i dun believe that anything lasts forever, hence to put his future at risk for me who thinks this way is definitely not worth it... Therefore, my choice...
readers... please do not go on thinking that im braggin i've experienced great love or that my life's a drama... cos seriously if given a choice i'd rather my life was boring and dull... and till today, i cant say that it was great love, and i sincerely hope tt it isnt... cos one will only know that it was great love when they turn to lose it... and i hate to think that i've lost anything... and in this way, i hope i dun experience great love at all cos i dun wanna lose anyone...
conclusion of the entire post... im scared, im a coward and maybe the solution to these insecurities is to not love... that way it wouldnt hurt...
anyone with comments please feel free to enlighten me... people who wanna comment that they understand... DON'T!!! cos you seriously do not, as every case is different... people who thinks im being an asshole here feel free to carry on with that thought cos i think im one too... people who wish to know more bout whatever im talking bout that's vague... just shut up... i will when im ready... you guys can try to figure it out by listening to yuan liang wo by xiao jing teng if you're really curious... it's close and explains more i guess... that's all...
PS: please look out for me from above... and i'll always be thinking of you from here...
i love you, my dearest grandfather... i always do...
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