hey peeps... short update before i zone off... just wanna say that im officially sick :'( boohoo... i was sipping on some milk last night while i was blogging, hoping it'll aid in my slp when im done... not only did it not aid in anything, it caused me to puke and have the runs in the middle of the night, like at 3 in the morning... i jotted awake cos i was in grave pain... bad bad bad stomachache which feels like gastritis... maybe it is... i dunno... had some painkillers and went back to bed... fortunately the painkillers knocked me out... and i managed to fall asleep despite all the discomfort...

was unconscious till around nn... totally bailed on a lunch date with some friends... and was replying to their calls ensuring a rain check sometime soon while still in bed :p was suppose to meet them at 12.30 orchard... like how was i gonna do that when im still in bed at nn... and i wouldnt have an appetite anw... not to mention i might puke in public or something... HAHA not a glamourous sight at all, not gonna risk that...

i literally stayed in bed for the whole day... felt terrible throughout and i still am now... weak and all... planning to just lie in bed right now and stare into space cos im feeling really sick... think anyone who's gonna come into my room's gonna freak out seeing me like this... so yup... dun have the strength to go to the gp... not to mention take a bus and mrt out to the polyclinic... im onto self treating... it'll be fine, and hopefully i'll feel all better by tmrw cos im meeting Sunny to hang around NEX... never been there... was really looking forward to getting sogurt there... but i should totally lay off the dairy products for awhile eh? :'( oh crap! does that mean no dessert for me?!? oh god, i can't believe this... :'( oh well... to sum it up... INEFFICIENT DAY!!! and i hate it! haixx... gonna go stare into space now...

xoxo

hey peeps... yea im blogging but it's gonna be a wordy one, hardly any valuable content... a rough update of what i've been up to :p well nothing much... most of the time bored... to the extent where i start texting my frens... "life is meaningless" HAHA!!! got various reactions... immediate phone calls from couple of worried frens and text replies came in an endless stream... and my answer was "im dying... ... of boredom..." I MEANT IT! like seriously but of cos i got a dressing down from a few :p i noe u guys love me ^^ thank you~ keke^^

this had me rmbr the time when ZC was still in sg years ago... i texted him something along the same line and he immediately called back and start lashing qns at me... "what's going on? is something wrong? are you ok? hurt? fine? where the %^&^%#$%^ are you? what the..." i interrupted him with "im bored..." and he hung up on me :p then in comes a text "i can't believe you..." HAHA!!! apparently he was in a meeting... but rushed out immediately and was already reaching his car... i love this impulsive fella... HAHAHA!!! well it really isnt a prank... tho i knew this kinda thing would happen :p but i wasnt lying either, it just didnt sound v positive :p Fortunately for me, i know that my frens couldnt stay mad at me for too long :p and i'd always get away with it in the end keke^^ thx guys...

so anw, being the workaholic i am... i feel like im wasting time by not doing anything productive... and that's when i gave myself some projects to work on... retarded eh? like what i did in the past sch year wasnt enuff... HAHA i started drawing again... painted... designing random stuff... and now im currently working on my fashion blog... which i intend to republish from scratch by deleting past posts which are mainly homework based... quite alot of planning to be done actually... so yea... that's what i've been up to lately... and of cos i still hang out alot with my frens... oh! i just made a new fren through my ex and he's FRENCH!!! never had one before... ppl aren't lying when they claim the french are more passionate... seriously like who greets kissing one THREE times on the cheeks? i doubt any country does it like thrice... two, one on each side is more than enuff no? correct me if im wrong... it's kinda cool and i swear i can listen to him talk all day~ HAHA im totally a sucker for accents... ESPECIALLY BRIT ENG!!! *swoons* keke^^ used to make my ex talk in brit eng instead of american :p well he's born in the US but he's grandfather's from england so he's really good at it... he doesnt mind anw, so why not? HAHAHA!!! Logan and i brought my new fren around sg, cos he's here on a holi and he's crashing at L's... spent so much time with them to the extent that i think my accent improve when im speaking perfect english :p cos if i dun, they wouldnt be able to catch on to what im saying... just like how it is in school... i totally shocked the hell outta my frens when i received a phone call while hanging out with them... [oh i gotta mention this first... Clo and gang came over to SG to keep me company for a weekend... sweet or what?!? ^^] it was some chinese shit from a private no. [remind me why i hate picking up calls from unknown no. RAWR!] i didnt bother listening to the person over the phone and i just went american and said "sorry i don't speak chinese" and hung up... nick was like "woah... where did that come from?!? who are you?!?" HAHA!!! i gotta be convincing right? keke^^

so anw Clo was pestering me with stupid stuff like why do i go for caucasians and blah blah... seriously i have to reemphasize this! it's not on purpose like i ONLY go for caucasians -_- it just so happens... i came to a conclusion that ones with initiative attracts me and that caucasians, or should i say the ones i meet, tend to be more initiative... for example in the states, if someone were to faint in public and you were to call out "somebody call for the ambulance" ppl actually do fish out their phone and call... while in SG, either they "THINK" somebody else's gonna call and just wait or they just pretend they can't see nor hear... having initiative is really impt... simple gestures like ordering the movie tix before hand, making reservations, thought bout where we could possibly go before hand just brings it up to a higher notch... for me that is... cos it shows that the guy values, thinks and cares bout you even before the date...

then Clo went on bout how i should try dating a younger guy... as usual... the thing is!!! im only 18... why would i wanna date a minor? Clo's definition of a younger guy is still older than me -_- she claims that dating a younger guy is better for some random reasons like they listen and heed better which leads me to think if that's what you want out of a relationship you might as well get a dog... HAHAHA!!! but well who am i to judge right? she's happy and that's what matters... besides, her guy looks older :p but cute lah... HAHA! i can't help but raise an eyebrow whenever i see or hear some girl dating a younger guy... best example would be Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher... like for god's sake it's Ashton!!! He can have all the girls in the world but he gave it up for one 15 years older than him, married and divorce twice before marrying him and already have 3 daughters... -_- don't understand...

LS totally agree on this with me... yet at the same time she dislikes me dating older guys... im always saying "Dear sunny, young cannot, old oso cannot, ridiculous and difficult much?" and she'll always be like "dunno la, i must see who first -_-" and just recently, she told me " the french guy you just met can... cos he's french..." HAHAHA!!! too bad, intro-ed by my ex... it'll be weird if anything were to go on from where we are... so nah, if possible i'll intro him to you instead yea? keke^^

talking bout younger guys... recently i checked facebook and all the silly messages that im used to getting... but what irks me most is that a junior of mine from cchy asked me out on a date through FACEBOOK -_- no-no no.1: he's from cchy which is against my rule of no dating of peeps in sch, in this case it also applies to sch's i've graduated from... no-no no.2: he's younger... no-no no.3: FACEBOOK?!? are you friggin kiddin me?!? i dunno if i should feel angry or relieved he didnt post it on my wall [that would have been really embarrassing, and totally tainting my wall :p] and instead chose to send me a private msg on FB... he's like "hey when are you free? i wanna date you" -_- and when i didnt reply he sent another few days later "so when's our date? you choose the date and i'll make time^^" !@#%^&*(*&^%# disgusted to the max... how could someone be so shameless and feel so good bout oneself tt i'll oblige? deleted him off my fb immediately after i read that msg^^ im cool like that~ ^^

oh! on Sunday night, when i was on my way home on the train... there was this drunk man seated beside me... he's the kind who couldnt control his head and legs when aslp... totally like an MJ wannabe... he was literally leaning 45deg... instead of leaning 45 deg forward... he was going sideways and on me... HATE THIS KINDA IDIOT! and his legs keep falling wider and wider getting into my personal space and leaning against mine... i sat forward in my seat and he fell onto mine and jotted awake.. but this freak just doesnt know what the hell's once bitten twice shy... cos soon enuff he just went back to the same thing... i was holding it in badly, so tempted to punch him in the face or kick him where the sun don't shine... that'll surely wake him up... i was literally suffocating too cos he reeked of cheap beer... disgusting! soon, i could no longer tolerate it and i just stood up... leaving him taking up 2 seats -_- pissed off to the max but at that pt... a caucasian motioned to give his seat up for me... i insisted that i don't need it and thanked him... but he gave it up anw to some other person and stood beside me... seriously is not i bias lo... HAHA... LS was saying that the gentlemanly factor's just there in caucasians... it's in the way they were brought up... so true...

i havent been sleeping well for awhile now... i grew desperate to the extent of a phase round a week ago that i tried drowning myself with alcohol like some old sad person... trying to get myself some uninterrupted sleep... it didnt work... and on some days i'll just have hangovers from it -_- interesting thing was i met LS one day for an afternn movie... i normally prefer morning movies but she has sch... so yea... and so after the movie, she gotta go back home to fin on a proj... and i was really tired so i planned to go home and try to get myself to sleep... passing on a party nick was holding that night... so anw i was in the supermarket trying to get some alcohol and i ran into an old friend of mine... one i knew from way back... it's cool ^^ we were paying for our stuff and the cashier asked for my age and my IC -_- it's fine... im kinda use to it, with the face i have... so yea answered her but she wanted my IC anw, doubting my words... but the thing is SHE COULDNT COUNT!!! and im not even saying bout mental cal... cos she took out a piece of paper and wrote a working equation... 2011-1993=??? and she totally couldnt get an answer... delaying the queue behind me in the process... in the end she looked up at me and asked "18 right?" i was fuming!!! oh so now that you failed at counting you're gonna believe when i said im 18? then why didnt you just take it when i told u the first time u asked without having to trouble me into fishing out my IC?!? i don't give a damn if she embarrasses herself, but she's embarrassing me in the process too!!! i didnt even bother to answer and i just scoffed... hoping that with my black face adding on to that scoff... she'll get the message... fortunately, she's smart enuff to detect my foul mood... My fren who was waiting for me came up to the cashier to find out what's the prob... and when she did she was like "oh please... she shouldnt be worried bout your age... i bet she haven't even finished highschool when you started drinking" -_- sidenote... i doubt she even graduated highschool :p but anw i replied that she was exaggerating... cos the cashier didnt look young to begin with :p then my fren refreshed my memory of me drinking a bottle of my father's XO when i was lil and gullible... i totally didnt noe what it was, i just knew i was thirsty and i didnt want to drink plain water... to me, at that point of time... the bottle was really pretty and i took it out of the display cabinet and drank it... my dad was furious! if i didnt rmbr wrongly, i got caned -_- it's like a collection thingy... im not sure... really pricy i guess... but seriously it's such a waste anw... collecting dust in the cabinet... as to how my fren knew bout it... she use to come over to my house often when we were younger and my mum just loves telling stories like how i drank a bottle of XO, how i ate a huge chilli in the decoration bowl on the dinner table of a restaurant cos i was hungry and such... so yea back to what my fren said... i guess she's right :p

kkaes i think im done with my random post... and looking back on what i've type... i totally seemed pretty screwed up this holiday eh? lolx... whatever it is... im actually feeling fine, cept for the boredom and lack of uninterrupted slp... oh! nick said i grew fairer... dang it! worst comment ever! so anw, im gonna end this post with a note i came across today... i think it's really fitting in some stuff i seem to always face and im so for it... here goes...

"I have curves, so im fat. I wear makeup, so I'm fake. If I like to get dressed up, I'm a hoochie. If I say what i think, I'm a bitch. If I cry sometimes, I'm a drama queen. If I have guy friends, I'm a slut. If I stand up for myself, I'm mouthy. Seems like you can't do anything nowadays without being labeled. So what, go ahead and label me, see if I give a shit."

night peeps ^^

xoxo

Hey peeps~ random post cos i have nothing to do now :p been staying home reading, having movie marathons these days... boring but it's my fav past time... totally bailed outta the crochet crap i started awhile ago... well i really wanna finish crocheting the scarf, but yea... we'll see... HAHA! and yes for all u peeps raising your eyebrows out thr... i know how to crochet and knit... granny thing to do, but hey! im going into fashion so what's a surprise right?

so anw on Sunday, went to pick HL up from the airport and i was late :p lil late... i know it's kinda ridiculous that the person picking someone up from the airport being late and all... but well, i took the bloody train and had to switch train 3 times cos i was riding on the circle line... and besides, it's HL... so err... he'll forgive me~ keke^^ im really glad he's taking it all well and he seems fine... treated me to pizza and we talked alot... well he was trying to get me all upset by saying that i look like a small girl girl cos i got a haircut since the last time he saw me... it's just bangs... and not that he didnt saw me in bangs before... but wateva... it kinda failed cos i couldnt be bothered bout it... nothing new... then he went on saying that i totally have a mentality of a 25 year old... RAWR!!! and he totally aint kidding bout this... he reasoned that it's cos i've got my paths all planned out and thought bout my future thoroughly and what not... and i was like arent all peeps suppose to do that? but he carried on saying that few know what they want in life so early, some don't even bother finding out at all throughout their lives... and of cos he brought up other examples of how i seem more mature... whatever it is... it got me... cos i wanted to strangle him over the table and smack that smirk off his face... HAHA but me being nice, decided i should let it go... keke^^ he accompanied me till it was time for me to leave and meet my family for movie... since it's father's day right?

i kinda combined father's day and mother's day together to make it up to my mum... watched green lantern and it was AWESOME!!! damn do i love Ryan Reynolds! HAHAHA! and Blake Lively! i've been longing to watch this since like forever! def one of my fav characters outta the marvel collection... cept for the cheesy name... lantern -_- before that day, bro told dad bout the plan of us watchin it tgt... and the next day, dad came into my room telling me we're gonna go watch a movie tgt he was like... "what's the movie's name? green something..." i was bout to interrupt him with the name but he beat me to it by saying "green torchlight ah?!?" PUAHAHA!!! it had me rolling on my bed laughing so hard that i almost hyperventilated... lesson learnt! a name's very important, think it through thoroughly to prevent jokes... keke^^ or maybe that just happens with my dad... dined and that marks the end of the week...

slacked around through mon and today, cept for evenings... dinner with the ex... but all's well... Nick emailed me asking why i hadnt gone into M'sia to visit... well parent's been very uptight bout me traveling recently... i dunno why they care bout it now yet couldnt care less bout it when i was younger... it's ridiculous... and the recent commotion bout the happening at the custom is just the cherry on top... NOT! totally makes matters worst and made my mum all paranoid bout how it isnt safe for me to go in alone... seriously mum it isnt safe anywhere cos you know what? NEWSFLASH i might fall to my death right at our doorstep~ well i know she's worried and all, but seriously i cant emphasize enuff that if something were to gonna happen to me... IT'S GONNA HAPPEN WHENEVER WHEREVER!!! so yupx im stuck in SG!!! so much for a holiday... went on emailing Nick bout what's been up lately... told him tt Logan's in sg, my ex, and that we've been hanging out... he totally harped on the issue bout how my future bf's gonna feel bout it... lolx nothing, cos there's nothing my friend... i absolutely do not know why recently people has been VERY concern bout my love life... should i even call it love life? scratch that... relationships... yea... TOO CONCERN! so much so that i think im the weird one... cos me being the protagonist *duh it's called MY LIFE for a reason* aint that concern as compared to them... luckily Nick carried on by telling me to ask L to visit them sometime... as well as to battle out with them... it's been awhile since they got together not to mention break together... i really wanna be there to watch them but nah, definitely not gonna happen anytime soon with my parents breathing down my neck bout safety issues -_- on the bright side... i feel that i've actually got normal parents right now... whoopdeedoo... wrong timing much -_-

so yupx, not much happened... without dance, life seems pathetically boring... ironically, with dance, there wun be life either... cos, if it isnt school, it's dance... lolx... oh! siqi texted me that she got hiphop head... congratulated her, but seriously, i knew she'll get it... like get real, who else? whatever it is, i just hope her passion remains and that she'll stay smart to steer away from bad influences... it would be a huge waste if an amazing dancer were to get corrupted by some commercial studio mindset...

random bout something i just rmbred like at this second... HAHA! some time back i met up with some friends... and during our conversation i said, "众里寻他千百度，蓦然回首，那人却在灯火阑珊处。" i forgot what exactly made me bring this phrase up, but i did and everyone stared at me with their eyes and mouth wide open... seriously, i dunno whether to feel happy that i managed to stun people with my chinese or to feel insulted that they actually think that my chinese suck big time... they all commented how they're taken aback and stuff but seriously it's just a line from 青玉案·元夕 what's the big wuha? people just dun get the diff with not good-at-it-hence-dun-like-it and hate-it-but-good-at-it... it just so happens that im the latter...

another example is when i tell peeps that i just spent hours reading a book and they shoot me the surprise look... i know that many feels that im bimbotic and actually im flattered by that comment, i actually do prefer spending my friday nights in starbucks reading a book rather then out having fun and risk having a bloody hangover on saturday morning... well i get offended at times, but now i've just become numb cos people who judge and comment just dun look at themselves in the mirror... like that ridiculous person in DI... HAHA! some people might noe who it is ^.~ but i dun really wanna advertise their names here... they should pay me to do so~ HAHA!!! what irks me is that i've never denied that im not, but who the @#%^&^% are they to judge?!? simply dun even hv the slightest decency to keep their mouths shut... or at least make an effort to say it BEHIND MY BACK not in my ears... and funny thing is one totally just choke on their own words by doing the exact same thing they claim bout me herself... and the other decided that i was his friend and sent me a friend request on facebook... cute or what?!? too bad i have high standards even for the people i choose to befriend on facebook... no shame!!! runs in the family genes i guess... oh!!! major thing that disgust me is when i for once wore a cropped top for prac cos i left my shirt at home and guess what?!? for the next few pracs she's wearing cropped top to dance @#%^&^%#@#%^&# stay kind V... think in the sense of a fashion trendsetter... HAHAHA!!! great sense of satisfactory cos it's an outcome of my carelessness of forgetting my shirt... even more pathetic that i didnt even try~ :p i'll applaud her for her courage to attempt but failed terrible then~ im nice... kekeke^^ irritating to the max!

oh well~ shall stop the bitching... nothing else... i should do it the devil wears prada way...

THAT'S ALL~

keke^^

xoxo

hey peeps! this is gonna be a short one! I PASS MY FOUNDATION YEAR!!! HERE I COME LEVEL1 FASHION!!! keke^^ yup i received my results ytd, yet there's no one to share this with :'( HAHA! nah~ emailed LS and HL immediately, and they replied! HL congratulated me and he's gonna treat me to lunch when i go pick him up tmrw while sunny being the mean and evil one commented "it's an of cos thingy that you'll pass-_-" and went on toking bout all the things i missed out cos i didnt join them in thailand! and attached this annoying picture to piss me off!

lolx but she said she'll get me a congratulatory gift ^^ along with the other stuff i asked her to hlp me get... kekeke^^

so who's the first person i celebrated with then? my last 2nd ex -_- it sounds really weird saying that or typin that... he's the one that Vian always refers to as a fling... IT'S REALLY NOT! it was way back, got together when he was over here for summer holidays and things ended nicely when he had to go back... i cn safely say that what we had was just merely friendship... him being a bboy is totally the cherry on top kekeke^^ so anw i invited him to come watch UNI but unfortunately he only arrives this afternoon... was totally pissed bout it and was complaining why cant he come like a week earlier... well he had some visiting to do in other country so yea... whatever... told him bout my results and he suggested he'll treat me to a homecooked dinner... was reluctant cos he just got off the plane, but he insisted... oh well... so went back to his place to put down his luggage, got his car and went grocery shopping... seriously, it's been years and he's gentlemanliness is still the same, it might have even turned for the worse... HAHA! he offered to carry all the bags and yet still insisted in opening the doors for me -_- caucasians -_- didnt resist cos i rmbred the time we fought over something as stupid as me opening the car door on my side- to let myself out fast cos i was hungry and ready to dash into the restaurant- instead of waiting for him to walk over and open it for me... stupid rite? word of advice, caucasians are really particular bout their manners! just let them be~ oh well, it puts his great muscle mass to good use anw... so why bother right? HAHA! after that, had some time before dinner, so we watched a movie, then he started cooking... he's darn good!!! it's like this 5 course meal with a twist... cos i dun eat salad :p i felt bad that he's doing all the work and wanted to help, but he's like chasing me outta the kitchen... so all i did was just stood by the side and start teasing him bout how the aggressive bboy i knew before's turning into a california home boy keke^^ dinner was awesome! wanted to wash the dishes but he took it all away before i can... reminding me that it's a congratulatory celebration for me and that i shouldnt budge... slacked around and then he sent me home... took quite awhile cos he didnt quite noe the way back to my new house... so yupx... that's how my first celebration for passing foundation went... with my ex -_-

oh! yesterday, i met up with my secondary school besties in my class... it's been really long since i last saw them... DUH busy me as always... had a great time shopping and chatting with them... what irks me is how when the gossip's starting during dinner, they're like "so V, what's the new drama in your life?" WTH! like confirm have drama like tt... tho they're right... it still irks me somehow... RAWR! then the next big qns is "are you attached right now?" and it turned into a bet sorta game between them and my answer was put on hold -_- all in all, there was alot to catch up on each of them... and i felt really detached from them in terms of the life im living right now... cos school for me and them's totally different... activities we're into are also different... people we meet are also of different kind... a simple example would be them still tokin bout "boys" while im talking bout "men"... once again, feeling old... tho im definitely NOT THE OLDEST in the clique... but oh well... had fun! and was reluctant to bid them goodbye, cos i seriously dunno when's the next time we'll meet... but we will, i'll try... HAHA!

HL's coming back tmrw... picking him up cos i think he really needs a fren by him right now to tide over this difficult time... i hope he's feeling fine... missed my peeps!!! a'ight off to sleep, gotta wake up early and head down to the airport... nitex peeps!

xoxo

PS: 1 year down... 3 more to go~ im still thinking whether to make it 4 years or not... we'll see...

Hey peeps! finally an update bout my dance life! let's start with the negativities shall we? UNI2011 is over and im left with very complicated and mixed feelings... first up i would like to say that im disappointed in myself... i screwed up in my final performance... !@#$%^&*&^#@% yes i deserve all the jeering and tight slaps... seriously, i can just bang the wall... friday's was fine... sunday was... ... ok u guys get the point... so anw... NOT HAPPY!!! don't bother telling me that it's fine and what not... cos it's TOTALLY NOT FINE!!! many consoled me bout it, but sorry guys, the more consolation i get, the more i think im an idiot... i can't believe i blanked... a mistake i've never made at all during pracs... as tho tio possess lo... what happen to my "treat every performance as though it's the last?" and i really did decide for it to be the last... goddamnit V you're an idiot... now i can't retire!!! super bu gan xin neh!!! sianx ttm... aiya gonna put that at the back of my mind for now... so that i cn continue with this post... if nt there's not gonna be an end to it :p

so anw... this year, dance has been extremely stressful... *pft what's new right?* to the extent that it didnt seem like i enjoyed dancing... i bet i've mentioned this on my blog or to ppl around me countless times... and that ppl are tired bout me complaining bout losing drive and so on... im not asking for ppl to understand me... cos no one will and can unless you're me and i seriously dun bother explaining every explicit detail of my workload at school... maybe i should post up the list of things i did for the entire school year onto my blog... hmm... nah lazy, thrs just too much and for what...

this year... dance seemed to become a "wrong thing" to do... people around me often turn to blame "dance" for every single prob i face... parents got uptight about me spending sleepless nights rushing my homework but yet spending an entire day at dance then back home burning midnight oil continuing with work... hence start naggin and blaming dance for it... lecturers start to get worried bout my work and started to voice out that im juggling too much, hence blaming dance for it... oh ya! yet they offered me double major... ironic much... friends worried bout my well being turn to blame dance for draining my energy and for causing more strain on my health... insensitive acquaintances blame dance for making me too busy to meet up with them -_- im always hearing "it's dance again isnt it?" and "...because of dance lo~" no matter how i try to pretend tt all these doesnt get to me... it still does... and that causes alot of unhappiness as it made me think why can't ppl see that im working extremely hard in both areas that i love... and that given some born-with-probs im still trying to stay strong, live with it and continue the passion tt i once had... maybe it's too much to ask for, but all i yearn is some honest words of encouragement once in a while to help pull me through hard times... i honestly think that i deserved it as i've worked the hardest i've ever had in both areas this year...

on top of all tt, my insensitive bro goes ballistic bout me turning down a job a chanel's... well it's not fully for dance... i mean yea, i cnt possibly apply leaves to go to pracs when i just joined the company... and besides, it's chanel we're tokin bout... if i were to get in, i want to be able to focus fully on it and to give my best... another simple reason is that i deserved a break... it took me quite an effort to give that up and even more effort blocking out complains bout my decision from insensitive loved ones... people just never get it, they think they do... BUT THEY DONT! i might seem fine cos of it, but nobody could tell the internal war i fought when coming to decisions like this... well you might say it's cos i dun say it, but what good would it do for me to have it imprinted on my forehead or bitch bout it to everyone? i wanted a pat on my head but not outta sympathy... as usual, life doesnt always give what you want...

Overall, im having internal conflicts on how i feel bout UNI this year... im really satisfied with the choreo this year, yet im not satisfied -_- yea i noe what bullshit rite? well im satisfied cos i feel that my reason as to why im dancing this year has been justified and that WE did justice to the song :p on the other hand im not satisfied cos im not in the entire item... to put it more bluntly, i dun feel shuang just dancing for 2mins plus... but yet again it sounds like bullshit cos i cnt even handle 2mins plus not to mention more... i hope yall dun take it as tho im too full of myself but i have to confess that im an extremely egoistic dancer... and that's precisely the reason why i work hard to improve in order to secure and have a tight reign on my spot in the first place... several practices caused some mental instabilities for me... nt that im blaming anyone, it's really just me... i can't stand to be by the side not being able to participate in modern... i can't stand to be standing in for someone, a place that doesnt belong to me and that i'll have to return... i can't stand to admit that i no longer can do what i could before even though it's a fact that's smacked right into my face whether i like it or not... it didnt occur to me at first until my back started to hurt kinda badly when i subconsciously attempted stuff that i could no longer do... this might sound as though im crazy, but i feel that it'll be more ridiculous if im ok with it... i mean get real, any dancer in the right mind would want to fight for a spot... who in the world will be satisfied with just staying on the sidelines? *ok scratch tt, nt true, as i witnessed such self proclaimed "dancers" who takes things for granted* i admit that i envied my fellow dancers... and that there were many times that saddened me just by onlooking... fortunately, these negativities turn into positive drive... a drive that gives me no reason to not work hard for my small part... and that given lesser task as compared to the others... i would not be able forgive myself if i were to screw it up... *yes and i did on sun GDI!!! :'(*

as to whether i've grown this year... i guess i've grown to be a responsible dancer... not that im the most responsible person out thr but i've learnt to foresee problems that might surface and learnt to solve them... regardless for myself or for others... once again there are rough times when it comes to working with new dancers... but i cant help but think maybe im the one that's putting expectiations that are too high on others... and that i shouldnt be so hard on them as i do to myself... at times, i'll get irritated and even taken aback by how they see things... or shud i say, how they "don't see" things... lolx! and maybe im just more gan jiong than the rest... but seriously, they have NO SENSE OF URGENCY AT ALL!!! *or shud i say that they have a RETARDED sense of urgency? that sets in like a week before the perf?* so i guess it's more like im too much and they're too little... two extremities kinda situation... so i can't really blame them la... oh well... latest one would be how they treat my cosmetics ba... haixx nvm it's trivia... dun really wanna explain anymore... let's just say that i now have reasons to restock on whatever i have :p

oh! im really taken aback by the fact that when they encounter with problems... they're fine to leave it as it is... and not do anything bout it? yes and the nosy me will go about trying to clean up their shit... extremely shocked that i have to spoon feed them as tho they're little kids... it makes me look like a mean old lady trying to make them sound stupid and gullible... but seriously, if i dun break things up and put it in simpler terms... THEY JUST WONT GET IT!!! times like this i really would like to give myself a tight slap... to say it in a nasty way... guan wo pi shi... nosy as ever... i just like to get myself involved in probs that aint mine... seriously for what lo?!? good going V -_-

though the process's rough at times due to stupx probs... the outcome's always sweet... just that few minutes on stage is enough for me, and it totally outweigh all negativities and shit i've faced... that few precious minutes which i worked hard for... that few precious minutes which made me feel alive... that few precious minutes that made me realized i've lived life to the fullest... i can never describe exactly how i feel bout it... and i guess that's what makes it so precious to me... so precious to the extent that giving it up seems impossible... to add a cherry on top... getting positive feedbacks from people just makes it even more awesome... the most epic one would have to be shibin who's been commenting since months ago... starting out with the dance looks nice to the dance being super crazy... it's funny how he'd come up to me giving me the shock face asking how i could squeeze so many dance steps in such a short time... epic phrase from him that goes something like this "wah ni zhen de hen li hai neh... wo de just xiao xiao jiu can liao, yours damn crazy lo... how to do one..." then he went on imitating the precision part HAHAHA!!! simple comments like this never fails to make me feel that all's worth it... thx man! and for the pep talk on sun...

Once again im thankful to ZY... i noe you're getting bored of my lines but it's true... im thankful that you're still willing to give me the opportunity to shine and grow... cos honestly im like wu jia ke gui... no choreographer in the right mind would want a dancer with defects... and at times, im a royal pain in the ass when it comes to giving my opinions :p ok maybe at all times :p you've worked very hard, done a great job and the production went well! i sincerely hope that you've had a great time dancing along us and that all shit seems worth it... cos dancing together with you is a totally new experience and should i say a dream come true? nah tt sounds too much :p just imagine if laoshi dances with you a'ight? HAHA i wanna believe that you know me well enuff and will spare me the agony of saying cheesy and mushy stuff... u noe me de la hor~ keke^^

and yet again im grateful that i have siqi by my side... never fails to gear me up... she's really a darling... after UNI she text'd me claiming that there's alot to learn from me as well as thanking me once again for being her motivation, but seriously this goes both ways girl... and i felt really depressed that UNI's gonna be our last performance tgt... was like telling her where am i gonna find another motivation, and that she's irreplaceable... seriously, she's damn awesome and i feel fortunate to have worked with her twice! yet greedy me never fails to yearn for another time... oh well, one can always dream~

through all shit... i discovered people whom are really concern about me... as usual im thankful that LS has been by me through the entire roller coaster ride... school, dance and personal relations... i believe it's always a bitch to hear me complain, but she's always thr for me... tho foul mouthed... cos she'll say "life's a bitch, so learn to f*ck it" XD but i really appreciate it :p lately LS's been really into snail mailing crap to me... she sent me this months ago...

yupx it's some chocolate frm dunno which country... it caused a big wuha with my mum as she tot someone sent me a condom judging from the pressed square outline of the box on the envelope -_- when i opened it, i was all happy thinking it was chocolate but guess what!!! this was what's inside... *well the main point is actually the words in black la... the others are just nonsense from her -_-*

stressing me out months before UNI!!! thanks arh sunny... u succeeded! *clap clap* even though it irritates me ttm when i found no chocolate... im actually grateful that i have such an annoying friend who keeps check on me now and then... and of cos she came to watch, along with Hsinlu! ^^ Jen couldnt make it cos she was hospitalized after getting hit by some crazy dude on the train... i was so worried for her... and yet she still text me some words of encouragement before my perf while in the hospital... Thx girl... and im really thankful cos she planned to come watch me despite needing to fly off to china in like 3am that night... she felt really apologetic for not being able to come in the end but i assured her that it was fine... of cos it was, it's not like she didnt try, she's just darn suay that day... fortunately, she was able to leave for china, if not there goes her fyp... once again, thx girl...

i was kinda stressed out with the presence of HL cos firstly, he's not a dancer, so i dunno how he'll view the entire thing... and secondly, he's never seen me dance -_- yes stupid idiot sleeps most of the time in school... he's hardly ever awake for any school events going on back in cchy... and even if he had seen me dance before, im sure he never saw me in this genre... so yea, it's scary cos i dunno what he expects... he keeps telling me that even if i screw it wouldnt matter cos he's there to support me... well since i noe he's always very positive bout what i do *like duh rite? he dare be negative meh?!? XD* i told him before hand that he has to give me feedbacks... and not the normal "ok lo, good as usual... " kinda comment... obviously im making things difficult for him, and after perf i was buggin him bout him... he told me he needed time to think and that he'll text me later that night... and he did! saying "Vanessa, i know less bout dancing but maybe your jacket hinders your movement, like your body movements seemed less obvious... it's nice to see you dance ^^ 超有魅力！" kekeke^^ cute or what? he totally wrecked his brains coming up with a feedback... and an honest one... then i found out that he was suppose to go back to taiwan... but yet came for my perf :') just like LS who postponed her Thailand trip just for me! ^^ AND! HL had school from 8 to 6 that day, while LS skipped cheer... I LOVE YOU GUYS!!! i was also worried bout whether the production will be worth 15bucks and hence when i asked... LS and Celia said just for out item, it was definitely worth it, and HL said that just for me it's worth more than that... kekeke^^ HAPPY~ once again i have to say LEONG HEIHEI!!! WHERE ARE YOU AH?!? two of them come and support me le! LEFT YOU!!! should banish you from our world!!! RAWR!!! :p

so anw, HL left for taiwan yesterday and LS's leaving for thailand today, while heihei's already in mongolia :'( i'll be so lonely!!! met and hang out with LS yesterday... it's the first after UNI i think... and i was like reading through her journal... yes we both keep journals... like scrapbook thingy... a habit i got from GM classes when i started LASALLE and yup she tot it's fun and got more into it as compared to me... so anw it's nth private... so we dun mind ppl reading it... anw... i saw this... which was dated a few weeks before UNI

yes my fren's totally an adrenaline junkie who's nuts bout stunts... so anw we talked bout UNI again... she commented that the whole concept was v put together... and that there was a visible improvement from AHA... and HENCE she's expecting more for the upcoming AHA -_- as for the dance, she commented that she feels it lacked moqi and the stunts are not up thr... lil slips here and there are a pity... for modern, the best part for her would be the energy transfer part... she said it's great along with the lightings... and as for cool shit, it was cool shit... HAHA!!! then i ask her how's the cool shit for the other two guys and she was like "got other guys?!? i din see them dance neh... only saw your choreographer... which means..." lolx! evil much! ppl prac v hard neh!!! then she went on asking "if they're not up to standard, why ask them to stage it?" and i was like dumbfounded... cos she meant that, since the dancers aren't ready, why go on stage... then i was like "might as well ask my choreographer to do a solo suan le" and she totally shut me up by replying "why not? then wedding dress just the front 3 of u lo..." funny sunny... then she went on talking bout how it's a pity that we can't find better dancers... nt that im all that good... but yea... i shud say, dancers with the right attitude ba... ok i sound cocky saying this too... ahh whatever... then she ended off by saying and smirking "capable of better la V, so AHA hor..."

so anw this was in her journal last year...

and this is for UNI this year...

*cough cough* somebody better stay down to earth and not float around kkaes? you know who you are~ HAHA!!! oh! and she kept buggin me to bug ZY to dance in the upcoming AHA -_- im not as irritatin as u sunny... and we went on talking bout whether i'll be dancing AHA... she was like "don't join lo... complain so much... don't join la~" giving me some stupid face... then she went on "you can't stay away de la V.. you know even if shit happens you still cant give it up de... so why bother yourself by thinking so deep into it... you'll still join in the end anw" seriously it's annoying how im like so friggin indecisive bout it... i've decided to stop once and for all, but after friday night, whatever i've thought and weighed beforehand goes flushing down the toilet and im left with the huge dilemma once again... to make things more difficult, i screwed sunday's perf... how am i gonna live with that being my final dance?!? and michelle even threw me a "u jump i jump" situation... thx... lolx... so on sunday night im like, ok not retiring with this shit... then on tues i met up with YZ, a fren of mine from primary school...

she too has scoliosis, and during those days, her's was worse than mine and she immediately went for the operation... she's in drama, which also makes her a performer... and she understands me fully without me saying much... literally the pain we both feel normally, the pain we feel when doing stuff we cant, how we feel when restricted, how we hate special treatments and how we are forced to give things up reluctantly and many others... so in short... she understands fully both physical and mental pain i went through... we were catching up and when i raised this up... she's like "you want my honest advice? quit now..." she then went on bout knowing i'll be happy with prolonging my dance life, but if accidents happen i might be paralyzed and there goes the rest of my life... and that how would i feel then... she was straight forward to the extent that i felt like i got hit right in the face by a big yellow bus... it scares me even more becos she knows the exact outcomes if a minor accident were to happen to me... outcomes that i refuse to keep in mind... and of cos she shared her side of one who undergone the op... she said that only after 7 years will i be able to noe if the op succeeded... and that a year after the op, i might be able to dance again... just that my movements will be highly restricted... she was like "no body wave, no powerful dance moves, no bending, no straining, no pointing of your feet...." i didnt even need to carry on hearing and i turned ballistic... how's that dancing? if it's suppose to be comforting it sure damn isnt aight!!! well i understand that she's trying to be very objective and non bias... and of cos the truth hurts... and from that, im lost once again on my decision...

then the next day was with LS... she knew exactly all the right buttons to push... and when i told her bout what YZ said... she replied with a simple phrase "has anything ever stop you from doing what you want?" and therefore the conclusion of my dilemma is NO CONCLUSION! oh well... maybe i should go back to being a student... for dance i mean... just attending classes and learning from scratch... learn to enjoy the process like i used to... meet and find some inspirations... i hope that helps... but first off i better start working soon cos money dun just drop from the skies... haixx... keep myself busy in this lonely period... so i guess that's all~

xoxo

PS: insomnia lately~ dun really noe what's the exact reason... maybe because my school results arent out yet... and now that dance isnt there to occupy my mind and body, it's totally taking a toll on me... anyone with remedies please tell me!

pps: oh i forgot to mention this! UNI was held in obox! it's like a wish come true to perform in it... cos since the first time i stepped in it, i wanted to perform there! ^^ the energy the atmosphere everything! it's really awesome and i feel fortunate to have a chance to perform in it, i think we're the first? and im proud to have a studio like that^^ totally dun understand those who grumble bout the setting... be grateful! RAWR! :p