seriously damn suay!!! right after xmas at like 2am in the morning, i started puking non stop for hours... mum wanted to call for the ambulance... but me being me... decided to wait till morning even though i was screaming in pain in the mid of the night... it was unbearable...

i thought it was some food poisoning shit, but it's kinda ridiculous being everything i've eaten, others ate it too... and they were fine...

so went to the docs this morning for a check and to get some "xmas presents" from him... it seems that i've got gastritis -_- doc asked "is it okay for me to give you a jab?" -_- "no." and that marked the end of that conversation... hate jabs... but after that... with the pain and all... im starting to think i should've just went for a jab and punch the doc in the face... it would have been more relieving...

been sleeping almost throughout the day... and my plans were totally ruined!!! RAWR!!! still im heading for Malaysia tomorrow... hoping that i'll feel better by tomorrow... i better!

other then sleeping, ive been reviewing some dbsk stuff cos today's their 7th anniversary... still rmbr the first song i heard from them was in chi... then, their pronounciation amazes me... and till today, i still feel that the lyrics was well written... this song hit me harder then how it used to appear to me before... especially right after the xmas party i was at on friday... missed the presence of my fren who passed on due to cancer... and of cos the absence of some other people on xmas... just like how i've always mention how one will only truly understand n realize after one loses - "为什么当我失去你以后才能明白" i guess that will always remain as a question and a problem that will always repeat itself...

and indeed 思念是永不停息的旋律...

off to sleep~ zzzZZZ

After a day of hard work, im ready to turn in early... until i received a call, and now im happy till i can't sleep! HAHA so here i am bloggin away~ well the caller was Siqi, a huge motivation of mine for AHA this year... she's really a sweetheart and definitely a great dancer... at times i'll stare at her, envious... but thank god that kind of envy always turns into positive motivation and not some other negativity... i feel really comfortable working with her... maybe cos both of us have our own expectations of ourselves... whenever we feel that things arent good enough, we'll keep repeating until we got it right... and at times, getting it right just aint enuff... i guess i'll really miss dancing with her most... and it really hit me when she said "i hope i'll see you soon and we'll work together again..." over the phone... i thanked her for being my motivation and that i'm gonna miss dancing with her... yet being a sweetheart she thanked me back... HAHA she really had no idea how great of a motivation she was... and that im really thankful...

My readers should know that this year aint easy for me... given my deteriorating health conditions and motivation... Often i would think when did dance become a stressful and difficult thing for me... cos initially things werent like that... i was all out to enjoy myself... enjoy the feeling of performing.... the feeling of basking in the glory of what i once do best... the feeling of training for months for just that few moments on stage... the surge of adrenaline rush... And indeed, i felt it once again on Sunday night, the last night of AHA... i didnt thought i would, but i really did enjoyed myself...

As to why i didnt thought i would was due to the perf on sat night... the feeling of not being able to full up totally just sucked to the max... what's a performer if one cant give all that shes got on stage? what's a performer if one cnt perform... totally regret holding back... chose to hold back cos i had to make sure i could dance on the second day... yet even though i held back... it still hurts... and throughout the perf i couldnt concentrate... all that was on my mind was of cos pain and that where should i hold back, what are the things i should not do.... was totally disappointed with myself on sat night and i totally felt like crap...

but on sunday, all that was on my mind was to enjoy, have fun with my fellow dancers for the last time and to remember the time i had on stage... totally made effort as to observing the audience and my surroundings... And all i could say in the end was IT WAS ALL WORTH IT! i would be lying if i were to say that i didnt felt pain on sun... i did but even tho i felt it, the enjoyment was more overwhelming than anything...

Once again, i must say that im THANKFUL to ZY! i cannot cannot emphasize more as to how thankful i am... this yr i've always thought bout what if i hadnt respond to your call for dancers in 2008... will i still be dancing right now... and the ans is most prolly not... i believe this year has been really hard for you and yet you are always there as a listening ear to all my negativity... cheering me on... and saying how i dun suck... ok actually no, i dun like hearing that i dun suck when i noe i did... HAHA! 3 yrs... u said that it was enuff... but to me it feels too short... you said you're proud of me, yet greedy me just dun think it's enuff... there's still much more that i wish to learn and to improve on... i really really hope to be able to still dance your items... and like i've said before, i hope to participate in one that you don't have to alter to cater to anyone... in terms of technicalities and difficulties... it is really a goal of mine, yet i dunno whether i can reach it or not... cos i really really dun wanna become the rat shit... or should i say that im afraid of being the rat shit...

this year, i've learnt to work with ppl that i dun see myself working with... i dun enjoy working with them, cos "uncertainty" was written all over their forehead... i find myself worrying for their shit before mine... which is really stupid... sam asked, "why do you care so much? or why do you help them then?" and my reason is simple... cos they're in my item... they're my shit... similarly... vice versa, i wouldnt want anyone that is working with me to be stressed out by these things... hence i'm reluctant to become the rat shit... yet to me, being the rat shit or not is not something i can control... unlike others... haixx life's a bitch as always and it's unfair...

speaking of life being a bitch... i fell sick on the day before full dress rehearsal... high fever and was in and out the whole day... downed all related meds i could find and just slept... hoping i would miraculously get better by the next day... was totally freakin out... was so afraid that i would cough or sneeze in the midst of performing... or that i wouldnt have my usual amount of strength... which is totally bad given that i really wanted to score on the parts where i could just go all out... or even worst... faint... i'll totally not forgive myself if i do... throughout thurs and fri, i felt totally helpless and useless... thinking how could someone keep fallin sick and that why is health always a prob for me... the fever totally came without a warning, and my whole family caught it... all of them went to the docs... but of cos for me, i didnt had time to... so all i could do was to down meds and pray... was really scared during those days... yet i couldnt really voice it out, till now... since all's over... once again im amazed by my control... cos not only did i not cough or sneeze during perf... my fever went away on sat and sun and came right back when i reached home after the last perf... cool eh? so yea right now im still downing meds... but im fine^^ im always sick anw... no big deal...

OH! and big thanks to my friends who came to support me!!! i love you guys!!! especially LS and Jen... i was totally stressing out cos they were coming... and was telling them how they shouldnt breach high hopes bout my perf... still being my good friends and knowing me well all they said to me before the perf was "you better not screw it, cos we're here..." HAHA! i know their intentions... and it works much better than anyone who says stuff like "oh you can do it de la..." thanks guys! and right aftr the perf... i had a chat with them... Jen told me i worried for nothing... and that it was great... LS just said "indeed it's V" HAHA! i love you guys to the max man! and before leaving... i thanked them for coming and said that i hope they feel their 10 bucks was worth while and they actually replied "your item alone was worth more than that... rest well and do well tomorrow ok?" i wanted to cry at that point yet they had to add "dun screw just bcos we aint gonna be here ok?" HAHA! and that's when the touching moment shattered but i still love them ^^ OH! did i mention mummy deary wanted to come along with my dad this year? she kept asking me bout it, and dropped hints that she wanted to come... scared the shit outta me... totally said no right into their faces... it's just weird havin them around when i dun wan them to... and not havin them around when i was still healthily dancing, competing and wanted them to... you guys missed the time, so too bad! o well...

so yea... what else is thr to blog bout? i actually had alot on mind... just that right now, i cnt think of any :( this was an impromptu post anw... cos of the call from Siqi... so yea... the main point of this blog post is that im really thankful to 2 incredible dancer and choreographer, Siqi and ZY... Thanks guys! you guys are my greatest motivation for year 2010... im not good at mushy stuff... so yea... you guys noe de ^.~ HAHA! If there were trophies for MVD i'll totally give them to you two yea? once again... THANKS!

ps: maybe cos i've met great people, so other parts of my life suck? hmm... then i guess it's worth it ^^

xoxo

updating right now because im feeling good~~~ keke^^ i shouldnt be... but i am... RAWR i dun make sense... been updating often these days... it aint a sign that i'm gonna be updating often... just treat it as a make up for the unannounced hiatus before yea?

but anw i just wanna say im feeling good 'cos i was so motivated today at dance... reason unknown... and the day totally started out suckish for me... totally just go crazy with replaying the song and just dancing over and over again without taking a break... didnt fully nail it down but i enjoyed the process even tho it's frustrating... lolx am i makin sense? feelin too good right now~ but of cos, the consequences for pushing my limits is that im totally in pain right now... but it was worth it... i enjoyed, feel good, and that's what matters... pity that Vian's still lost out there, and that she isnt here with me... o well... ppl change, and i certainly did change in some way or other... and i totally get her... but just wish she was here, cos this would be a first to be dancing in DI without her...

another thing as to why im feeling great is that i came back to a bowl of hot soup!!! my mum boiled soup and left a bowl for me! HAHA happy over a bowl of soup -_- but anw finally this year... i felt like my parents are becoming more like parents... though more naggy than usual, and there's more rules... but not like i'll listen anw :p im born a rebel! i feel better, this way than before, when i was given infinite freedom and no rules whatsoever... maybe im a masochist? HAHA who knows...

oya! another reason why i wanted to blog is that i wanted to post a song up... been wanting to, kept forgetting... so here i am...

I think that this piece's not given enuff credit than it deserve... though i dislike the oh oh oh eh eh eh part la... but i love how the instrumental behind sounds... and the lyrics' better than i expected... but the mv sucks la... ruin the song... don't bother looking it up... anw this reminds me of another piece from some time back...

hate the part where it sounds like a frog... and the lyrics aren't the greatest but what i like in both songs is the instrumental... strong, powerful... the instrumental for this is better in my opinion :p i really like the start of the track...

i should be turning in... gonna be up at 6.30 tmrw... and i'm not even schooling!!! speaking of which... some lecturer kept asking me to join various exhibitions... there's another who wants me to do a collaboration with him on an interior architecture project for exhibition... ok that sounds wrong, cos he's my lecturer... but yea indeed he wants me to work with him... ok it aint soundin any better right? RAWR watever... u guys should get what im getting at... so anw... i just wanna say, I NEEDA BREAK!!! IT'S MY HOLIDAY!!! LAY OFF WILL YA?!? RAWR!!! im thankful that my lecturer's think highly of me... but seriously... let me take a break neh~ turning down every offer... and besides im not interested in interior architecture... i can, but not interested :p so it doesnt make a diff...

ok ok really gotta turn in~ nitex peeps~

xoxo

Year ends is always a time for reflecting, dreaming and even reminiscing... yesterday, was a day of randomness... head for dance, was super early... reached lavender mrt yet went to the opp and took the train back to bugis for starbucks, due to some sudden caffeine craving... On the way home, reached my stop... alighted yet walked back to the park some distance away from home... spent at least an hour just sitting in the park reflecting, dreaming and reminiscing before heading back home... Reached home at around 1.30 in the morning and totally just dropped dead after i shower...

yesterday i also thought that someone should invent a universal mute button or a universal pause button... often at times, i just wanna mute all the noises and conversations happening around me... definitely not because it is super vexing or frustrating... but just some serenity would be nice at some point... it would be even more perfect if i could just hit pause and everything around me would come to a halt... i guess for everyone, there ought to be moments that one wishes to stay at forever... if only life comes along with a remote tied to it...

oh yea, before i forget, i wanna blog this down since i rmbr right now... some time back on the bus back home... there were two people conversing, not in terms of verbal communication but by using sign language... finding it interesting and duh i had nth else to do or look at on the bus... hence i kept looking at them... I was so intrigued by their conversation even though they couldnt converse out loud, they were extremely expressive... Using facial expressions, body language along with sign language... I actually could understand a lil of their conversation, without the details of cos... This led me on to wondering if they were to be able to speak out verbally, would they be as expressive as they are now? As for those of us who are fortunate enough to be gifted with the talent to speak... is it because we are able to, hence we've neglected other ways of expressions?

So, in the end, are we considered to have something more as compared to them, like how all normally assume, or are we at the losing end?

Another random thought would be, will they make a better performer than us? given their expressiveness, ability to effectively convey messages across without verbal communication... i bet they're much better! but does one really have to lose something to realise that things should not be taken for granted? guess there's really no cure for that until someone looses something precious, starts regretting and realizing that life's a bitch eh?

ever since xmas07, times nearing xmas are always like that for me... thinking, thinking and more thinking... not emo-ing but just purely thinking deeper than usual...

ironically, all year round, only in the coldest season will the frozen heart of mine melt and start weakening again... gusts of strong winter wind will then whirl up a tornado in my heart, causing a mess... and as the season pass by, it's time to clean up the mess and freeze my heart back into how it should be...

i guess, with each passing year, the cycle will still carry on... even though things didnt get easier with each passing year like how i expected it to be, i still never once regretted any decisions i made... im proud of myself and i still love xmas... xmas will always be a mark for each year, a reminder that i've loved, discovered, realised, fell, grew and not doubted the decisions i've made...

remembered the times when i was watching armageddon and listening to aerosmith... so powerful... yet at times it was just too overpowering... found this ver. and i thought it was really soothing... yet the lyrics still does magic after all this years... say what, 12 years?


song i've been listening to recently... along with the mv, it's really sad... 2am's great!!! shall blog more about them next time~

xoxo

shot post before i turn in early for the day... just wanna say, I PASS MY SEM!!! didn't receive death call!!! i swear it's seriously a very cocked up system to have your mentor callin if one has to do a resubmission... totally dunno when the call will come, or will not... that's the nerve wrecking part... have been really uptight and stressed out even after assessment... not to mention having any great sleep... but all has ended!!! I PASS!!! WHEE~~~ finally i can rest well...

i have to apologise to those that had to stood up to my crankiness and crappy mood swings recently... i can't say that all will be totally fine from now on, but things will most likely turn for the better... furthermore, my fav occasion of all time is nearing~ CHRISTMAS!!! what should i wish for? a holiday overseas? HAHA yea rite...

without me noticing, the year is left with only 29 days~ hope 2011 will be a better year yea?

ps: i think i really need some retail therapy!!! 5 months or so without shopping is incredible... how did i managed to do that? OH! school -_-

xoxo