My readers should know that this year aint easy for me... given my deteriorating health conditions and motivation... Often i would think when did dance become a stressful and difficult thing for me... cos initially things werent like that... i was all out to enjoy myself... enjoy the feeling of performing.... the feeling of basking in the glory of what i once do best... the feeling of training for months for just that few moments on stage... the surge of adrenaline rush... And indeed, i felt it once again on Sunday night, the last night of AHA... i didnt thought i would, but i really did enjoyed myself...
As to why i didnt thought i would was due to the perf on sat night... the feeling of not being able to full up totally just sucked to the max... what's a performer if one cant give all that shes got on stage? what's a performer if one cnt perform... totally regret holding back... chose to hold back cos i had to make sure i could dance on the second day... yet even though i held back... it still hurts... and throughout the perf i couldnt concentrate... all that was on my mind was of cos pain and that where should i hold back, what are the things i should not do.... was totally disappointed with myself on sat night and i totally felt like crap...
but on sunday, all that was on my mind was to enjoy, have fun with my fellow dancers for the last time and to remember the time i had on stage... totally made effort as to observing the audience and my surroundings... And all i could say in the end was IT WAS ALL WORTH IT! i would be lying if i were to say that i didnt felt pain on sun... i did but even tho i felt it, the enjoyment was more overwhelming than anything...
Once again, i must say that im THANKFUL to ZY! i cannot cannot emphasize more as to how thankful i am... this yr i've always thought bout what if i hadnt respond to your call for dancers in 2008... will i still be dancing right now... and the ans is most prolly not... i believe this year has been really hard for you and yet you are always there as a listening ear to all my negativity... cheering me on... and saying how i dun suck... ok actually no, i dun like hearing that i dun suck when i noe i did... HAHA! 3 yrs... u said that it was enuff... but to me it feels too short... you said you're proud of me, yet greedy me just dun think it's enuff... there's still much more that i wish to learn and to improve on... i really really hope to be able to still dance your items... and like i've said before, i hope to participate in one that you don't have to alter to cater to anyone... in terms of technicalities and difficulties... it is really a goal of mine, yet i dunno whether i can reach it or not... cos i really really dun wanna become the rat shit... or should i say that im afraid of being the rat shit...
this year, i've learnt to work with ppl that i dun see myself working with... i dun enjoy working with them, cos "uncertainty" was written all over their forehead... i find myself worrying for their shit before mine... which is really stupid... sam asked, "why do you care so much? or why do you help them then?" and my reason is simple... cos they're in my item... they're my shit... similarly... vice versa, i wouldnt want anyone that is working with me to be stressed out by these things... hence i'm reluctant to become the rat shit... yet to me, being the rat shit or not is not something i can control... unlike others... haixx life's a bitch as always and it's unfair...
speaking of life being a bitch... i fell sick on the day before full dress rehearsal... high fever and was in and out the whole day... downed all related meds i could find and just slept... hoping i would miraculously get better by the next day... was totally freakin out... was so afraid that i would cough or sneeze in the midst of performing... or that i wouldnt have my usual amount of strength... which is totally bad given that i really wanted to score on the parts where i could just go all out... or even worst... faint... i'll totally not forgive myself if i do... throughout thurs and fri, i felt totally helpless and useless... thinking how could someone keep fallin sick and that why is health always a prob for me... the fever totally came without a warning, and my whole family caught it... all of them went to the docs... but of cos for me, i didnt had time to... so all i could do was to down meds and pray... was really scared during those days... yet i couldnt really voice it out, till now... since all's over... once again im amazed by my control... cos not only did i not cough or sneeze during perf... my fever went away on sat and sun and came right back when i reached home after the last perf... cool eh? so yea right now im still downing meds... but im fine^^ im always sick anw... no big deal...
OH! and big thanks to my friends who came to support me!!! i love you guys!!! especially LS and Jen... i was totally stressing out cos they were coming... and was telling them how they shouldnt breach high hopes bout my perf... still being my good friends and knowing me well all they said to me before the perf was "you better not screw it, cos we're here..." HAHA! i know their intentions... and it works much better than anyone who says stuff like "oh you can do it de la..." thanks guys! and right aftr the perf... i had a chat with them... Jen told me i worried for nothing... and that it was great... LS just said "indeed it's V" HAHA! i love you guys to the max man! and before leaving... i thanked them for coming and said that i hope they feel their 10 bucks was worth while and they actually replied "your item alone was worth more than that... rest well and do well tomorrow ok?" i wanted to cry at that point yet they had to add "dun screw just bcos we aint gonna be here ok?" HAHA! and that's when the touching moment shattered but i still love them ^^ OH! did i mention mummy deary wanted to come along with my dad this year? she kept asking me bout it, and dropped hints that she wanted to come... scared the shit outta me... totally said no right into their faces... it's just weird havin them around when i dun wan them to... and not havin them around when i was still healthily dancing, competing and wanted them to... you guys missed the time, so too bad! o well...
so yea... what else is thr to blog bout? i actually had alot on mind... just that right now, i cnt think of any :( this was an impromptu post anw... cos of the call from Siqi... so yea... the main point of this blog post is that im really thankful to 2 incredible dancer and choreographer, Siqi and ZY... Thanks guys! you guys are my greatest motivation for year 2010... im not good at mushy stuff... so yea... you guys noe de ^.~ HAHA! If there were trophies for MVD i'll totally give them to you two yea? once again... THANKS!
ps: maybe cos i've met great people, so other parts of my life suck? hmm... then i guess it's worth it ^^
xoxo
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